What totalitarianism GIVES you

I lived in an affective cage as a child, where literally nothing I did was right.  If I misbehaved I was punished, and if I did nothing I was punished.  When dealing with a violent narcissist, the only thing you can do is watch and try and anticipate what it is you need to be doing this moment.  This is of course a root of my hypervigilence, itself a source of my constant reflections on my own inner world, and what is going on in the outer world. I need to know what is going on.

But it hit me yesterday, with absolute crystal clarity, that a totalitarian regime GIVES you a list, a short list to be sure, but a list, of what you CAN do.  If you are a Muslim, you can pray 5x a day.  You can give alms.  You can travel to Mecca.

If you had been a Nazi, you were free to inform on dissenters, free to fight for the Reich, free to speak patriotic rhetoric.

If you were or are a Communist, you are free to lie cheat and steal if it serves the cause. You are free to do what your handlers, the upper echelons of the Party, want you to do.  You are free to hate any and all class enemies.

All of these things are huge reliefs for some people.  It gives them clarity.  It gives them a path forward, and the feeling, paradoxically, of freedom. I  felt this.

My task is to create my own list, and steadily expand it.  I have lived for a very long time in a very gray world.