It’s odd: I genuinely don’t know who, if anyone, I am talking to. I am perhaps on a lighted stage, in front of a dark room I can’t see. Well, so be it. I speak for myself, and in the hope my words might be more generally useful. If not, so be it.
I am going to stop following politics for a week or two. Cancel all my newsletters, stop visiting political websites, and just chill.
I had what for me was an important realization the other day, which is that the resting state of trauma is shame, and that shame is torpor and paralysis. Because we need to live, people like me have to learn to shake that torpor off. What do we use? Well, what tools do we have? Fear and anger. Fear and anger. Fear of punishment or failure or any other kind of pain, and anger at whatever presents itself. Since fear is unpleasant it’s nice to be able to transition to some righteous rage at regular intervals.
So fear and anger as a survival strategy. It’s an interesting idea, and I am very sure I am right.
And my weight is going up and down. What I am realizing is that for me I am going to need to change my sense of self to make the next cut off, which is 245 for me. And I am doing that. I will describe this process at a later date.
But I am actually having not-unpleasant dreams occasionally, and seem to be shaking less. I still would not wish my average night on anyone, but it is slowly getting better.
I have a bunch of ideas, as usual. They will find their way here eventually.