This is the post I was going to make the other day, and kept avoiding.
What I am realizing is that anyone who has been hypervigilant all their lives, or even for long periods of time, there is a sort of State Dependent Learning that takes place. When I drive, when I type, when I do ANYTHING (I noticed this doing Lumosity), there is this feeling I associate with it.
For one really good example of State Dependent Learning I once knew a guy who flew a helicopter in the Vietnam War. He was drunk every time he flew. At some point, though, he gave it up, and he had to reteach himself to fly sober. It was a new sensation for him.
There are probably a lot of musicians out there who have trouble playing when they are not drinking.
The State, in any event, in my case, is a large amount of background tension. I am used to tension. Lacking that tension feels weird to me. Losing it genuinely DOES feel like a loss. I feel naked. Driving feels different. Taking a shower feels different.
So even over and above learning to relax, part of destressing from trauma is learning a new way of feeling EVERYTHING. Because the moment you put your hands on the steering wheel (and driving is a good example since so much of it is automatic) you will want to relapse. That’s what I feel.
And to be sure, a certain amount of worry SHOULD go with driving. But not all of it. Not all of it.
So to get to a new normal I am going to have to start identifying a whole lot of triggers, and then consciously learning to do old things in new ways.
None of this is easy. But I am getting flashes of genuine fearlessness. I think that is my destiny. Fearlessness, to be clear, is not bravado. It is relaxation and focus no matter what is going on. Zero fucks given, no matter what. That’s a desirable place to be. That is where Life opens up.