The regret of learning

If learning is climbing a steep hill, then sometimes you have the opportunity to reach some particular point where it makes sense to look back.  And in general a present self which knows better has to feel some regret looking at a past self which did not.  I think it was Maya Angelou who said something close to “when you know better, you do better.”  That’s close, but not quite right.

Here is the thing, though: there are no shortcuts.  And when you understand something, it can seem like it is obvious.  OF COURSE you say to yourself.  But you can only say this because you did the work.  There was no wand you–or anyone else–could have waved.

I look at my own life, and think of all the paths it might have taken if I was not carrying around a dozen wounds I couldn’t see for really all the time I can remember.

But this learning was the path.  There was no other way.  And the difficulty of the path made my learning richer.  If I might say so myself, at times I can be a pretty damned clever fellow.

Oh, I feel something about this.  Not quite the futility of words, but their occasional redundance where my own next step is concerned.

The push behind my words is melting.