I was drinking, of course,
But I seem to have discovered that despite all my years of dissociation, that I did feel things when they happened, and I can access them now in memory.
At some point, with my history, you do wonder where your life has been. I have spent so many years just trying to get through the day, just trying to function as a human being.
And I am realizing is that strength is for special occasions. It should not be needed continually. Once I get myself calm, I will have very powerful resources I can put to better use.