Think the last scene in Grease. You know the high will soon become a low, that Sandy and Danny will most likely settle into grumpy married-hood, that the glow will end, and most of the possibilities will be dimmed and then extinguished, for all but one or two, perhaps the ones one would least expect. Maybe Rizzo, after quickly realizing marrying is a terrible idea, gets her MD and goes and helps kids in Africa, or rural America, marries a handsome and attentive French patrician, and finds herself sad every time she goes back to her home town, in the latest model whatever car she wants to drive.
This coming and going is the energy of life. It is the energy of sex. Men, particularly, feel this fascination that grows and grows until, what? Until they come. Then the women loses her glow, unless there is genuine love present. But as I’ve commented before, and why I’m not trying in the slightest to “get laid”, there is sadness in this too. You have left a feeling human being feeling left in the lurch, abandoned, cast aside. No feeling person can do this without self contempt. Sex, per se, is a condiment. It is not something which is emotionally nourishing in itself.
And we live on emotions.
I felt this energy strongly last night. It was what I was dreaming of when I awoke. I’m reminded of Kurt Vonnegut’s “Hello, Goodbye”. I need to reread that book. I’m not sure I ever even read it. It’s on my shelf, though, with the Sirens of Titan and Cat’s Cradle.
How does one transform all strong emotions into a qualitatively interesting and varied, textured, nuanced joy? This is the main question. This is the focus of Kum Nye.
I have no intention of ever becoming a Buddhist. We have a local Tibetan center where all the trendy people who relish the word “compassion” go. The Tibetans are probably like, aahhh, we got cable, the foods not bad. This is not such a bad life. Target is in walking distance. We do our thing. The setting is not remotely as beautiful, but we are still us, and some of us are still together. That is something. They have, in other words, a coming together among themselves, and a shaky but sometimes mildly real relationship with the public at large. This will never truly belong to me, though. We need something new.
I continue to dream my dreams. I am a Pisces after all. But I continue to believe a new form is possible and necessary. I just have to become not crazy. And although my dreams were emotionally intense, I don’t think I shook last night. I didn’t wake up and think I was dying. No vocalizing. Not a bad night overall. No booze.
I continue my march towards, something.