Now, I don’t like sharing personal stuff, but I am increasingly of the opinion that there is a deep order in things, and it is useless worrying about everything. Things which should not work out often do, and things which are easy and obvious fail at the gate. None of us really understand all of it.
In fact, and I’ve never thought of it this way that I can recall (although there is much I can’t recall), perhaps the lust for power is at root a need to make the world comprehensible, orderly, fathomable. The world is orderly, for you, because you control it. You control your destiny by making it hard for others to control you. A world where you never have to say you are sorry is an orderly world, is it not? A world where other people are behaving in seemingly random, chaotic ways can never feel predictable and thus safe.
Be all this as it may, it occurred to me it might be useful to give her explicit permission to grow up, to be herself. I said: “X, I realized this morning you have become an adult. I think that I, like a lot of parents, have been slow to realize this, since it is bittersweet. It marks the end of an era. I’m proud you are on your way, off to who knows what life adventures, but sad because parenting is a precious experience, and it is largely over now for you. But I will be excited to watch you in coming years. I think some really cool stuff is coming. Have a great day, and please do what you can to get a full nights sleep once in a while!! I’m asking, not telling!!”
She cried, of course. It was my intention. We have a family policy that periodic tears are necessary for mental health.
I share this because I am not alone. But I do feel warranted in my belief that I can sometimes put to words things everyone feels, but which confuse them.
And I do think that the scariness of this world, the seeming precariousness of it, the sense that as fantastically built and developed as we are, it could all come tumbling down in a cataclysmic instant, makes many parents scared to let go of their children. And it makes it scary for the children to go out in the world in the faith that whatever they build will stand, that we will all be here in 20 years.
I don’t know what will happen, of course, but I do know I have wasted many years in pointless fear. As someone put it, Worry does not rob tomorrow of its pain. It only robs today of its delights and pleasure.
It is appropriate to plan for what you can, but a faith in a deeper order is a more consoling and effective friend.
May this help you in some way.