Thought: substance “abuse” supports the pretending made necessary by the inability to relate to others authentically. When you get tired, you can always find comfort. It is an authentic friend, even if one which does not love back, and which poisons you.
This is the real crime of substance abuse, that you medicate the hurting, and make building nearly impossible.
But for many of us, what building is possible on thin air?
I say this as someone who maybe, possibly–I’ve threatened this before–may have gotten drunk for the last time. I seem to be melding the selves. It is difficult work. As I’ve said before, my average night would scare the shit out of most people, and certainly make keeping a girlfriend quite difficult, unless she was extraordinary.
I do feel I made a heart connection last night though. I allowed energy to flow out through my heart. This is a new thing for me, which is a little scary, but which I recognize as important and good.