In my meditations I have recently uncovered a catatonic child in myself. It was shocked into submission and a de facto rigor mortis. It sits erect, immobile, every muscle and sinew in tension and rigid submission to whatever it was that did that to me (my mother, but she is invisible in this inner vision; only the effect remains).
It is this that resists when I want to change. Change, you see, invites the shock recurring which led to that condition. Change is dangerous.
As I have no doubt (over)shared, I was spanked the first time at 12 months, and on my mothers account “many times” up to age 4. I don’t remember this, but I am told I used to sit in what I would now describe as a catatonic state when very young–perhaps 2-3–and get spanked for THAT. I would just sit there motionless, my mother tells me, and it scared both parents, so my mother hit me.
Now, that aspect of my childhood is perhaps a bit unusual, but I am going to speculate that something LIKE this emotionally catatonic state is very common in unusually rigid people. It amounts to a sustained Freeze response.
What the nervous system is saying, in effect, is “don’t move and all will be well. Don’t move or THEY or IT will get you. Don’t stand out in any way. Don’t be different. Don’t play. Don’t be truly spontaneous.”
Me, much of my life exists as a REACTION to this. I was unwilling to accept those demands, while also being UNABLE to grow beyond them. It has created a tension back and forth, a yo-yo-ing in effect between competing neurological or emotional interests.
But seeing this hidden reality is a big step forward. I can imagine offering that rigid child the option of movement, of moving his arms and legs, moving his eyes and head, and looking around.
And what I realize too is that I think all of us have this innate tendency to want to cling to one version of reality, one emotional state, and that this clinging amounts to TENSION. Through tension, some part of us feels instinctively, we can achieve STABILITY. And stability equals home, and home equals safety, and safety equals calm.
Thus tension equals calm, because tension equals the known and knowable.
But we have no natural homes, do we? We all die, and may as well envision ourselves as perpetual nomads, always on the move, with our only home where that nights plate is, and that nights bed is.
The logical opposite to all this is calmness both in motion and silence. What is stable is THAT. Here, I will call it Buddha Nature. It has many names. Wherever you go, whatever you do, whoever you do it with, something deep and beautiful remains. That is the sole source of security. Everything else is tension offering very weak and ultimately false consolations.
My work continues, but this was useful.
Oh, and Somnambulism: I think this is this part running while you are sleeping. You are getting away. It doesn’t matter to where.