But I was thinking about many things. Mostly, I was thinking about this sort of Sherlock Holmes sequence I go through with women, and by this I mean the recent cinematic version (versions?) with Robert Downey, Jr., where he imagines the full sequence of events in a moment, then makes his decision.
For me, I always see failure. Not sexual failure, and not even failure in the seduction. I’m not as good looking as I used to be, but if I pick a woman of about the right age, I’m sure I’m as good as I once was. I can talk to anyone about anything, and make most people laugh. I’m a good conversationalist, and I’m good–I think–at reading non-verbal cues. I’ve had multiple barmaids in my bar come on to me, but I just wasn’t feeling it. They got mad at me, for a time. I don’t blame them: men are supposed to want to fuck every woman they meet, so it’s a personal insult when they don’t.
No: what I see is increased loneliness. What I see is coming so CLOSE to emotional intimacy, and failing. What I see is myself, fucking, but still alone in the room. What I see is me with a woman, but not with that woman. And of course all women on some level want the man to be there, to be seeing her, valuing her, appreciating her. I would assume this holds even for prostitutes, although they likely get quite numb at some point, and don’t feel much emotionally at all.
And I go through this sequence, and I see, every time, that I have to finish my work. I have to inhabit my own body. I have to get over my dissociation, my need for distance, my pushing away, my inability to trust anyone very much. It’s frustrating. It’s a bit like the torment of Tantalus, which is an interesting metaphor. If we accept that all internal hells are of our own making–granted, people can place us in hell, and inject hell into our minds, but once free, their continuance is over some time horizon a choice–then the solution for Tantalus was to STOP TRYING, and to forget about the fruit and water, and to find water and fruit in his soul.
I have been playing with a concept in my mind in recent weeks of social freerunning. Within the science of biological rhythms, free running sleep is when the cues are removed which regulate human–or hamsters–to a 24 hour, regular rhythm. People who are blind have major problems with this, because they cannot register the light/dark cycles which the rest of us respond to unthinkingly, automatically, instinctually (absent too much artificial light, of course).
Social freerunning is living as a hermit, as I kind of do, without the synchronizing signal of hearing my name, of seeing people who recognize me, of being reminded who “I am” by people who have seen me before, all of which enable all of us to “reset” to our previous defaults. I am who I am because other people see me as I am, as they have long done, and will always continue to do. I can always inhabit new roles with new people, but this process of continual reconciliation remains.
My children are the only ones who have ever visited me where I live. I have been making a more active effort to expand my social life, but historically it has mainly consisted in hanging out in bars, where I know the people who work there, and most of the regulars, all of whom are lonely people like me, who need to see people sometimes, but get away from them too. An arm’s distance at a bar, with a beer in hand, is ideal.
But I am toying with pulling that out of my life. I have no office to go to, and my job sites vary. Wherever I work, I rarely work there more than a week, and quite frequently it is in other States.
And I live with myself. And when I mean that, I am close to my emotions. They cannot but run through me. Most people seek distractions–idle conversation, video games, TV, stupid things that mean nothing to them–to avoid all that. When you spend a lot of time alone, you find the enemies within you, the patterns which make you miserable, the true reasons you cannot find peace, why there is a difference between sitting contentedly and doing anything else.
Buddhism really consists, at root, in three ideas:
1) all people who have not done focused inner work carry with them inconsistencies and miseries that they can easily spend a lifetime failing to see. Let us call this karma. Or Samsara.
2) There exist methods for loosening these emotional knots, for releasing chronic emotional pain, for learning to be tranquil and at peace.
3) It has been done. This part is important, because the world is filled with people spouting theories which “should work”. I know too well, as I have been, and likely continue to be, one of them.
To this I would add the implied principle of Self Similarity, aka “As Above, so Below”. What works to generate inner peace and tranquility is inherently spiritual, and what is spiritual helps in whatever other worlds there may be too. There is no conflict.
This, in turn, leads to an interesting idea: if you would not want to see a given behavior in heaven, do not enact it here. If you would not like to be punished for “improper” belief in heaven, don’t punish people here. Why would any infinite being care about our opinions on the Sabbath, or the perfection of the Koran? It would seem places where violence are happening, are not heaven. Put another way, if you want to go to heaven, do what you can to create it here. Build harmony in yourself, and seek to build it around you. Seek beauty, seek kindness. And do not tolerate those who seek to destroy it, but do not make their spirits your enemies. Seek no enemies, but do seek Goodness. I am perhaps spouting cliches.
What I have been leading to is the observation that emotions can be divorced from their objects. I’m pretty sure I have said this before, but if so, it has cycled around again. I go in circles, but I hope expanding circles.
When it comes to sex, for me the most pleasurable aspect is the anticipation, knowing I’m going to “get laid” tonight. Sex feels very good, but it is the feelings around it which last. Especially as a man, the best I can hope for is Bolero. There is the feeling of “conquest” as a man–and to some extent for a woman, who has proven herself desirable. And there is both a Beforeglow and an Afterglow. There is excitement, energy. These, to me, are the best parts of sex.
And to some extent, Tantric practices recognize this. One practice I know of consists in having what amounts to a picnic, then penetrating a woman, and simply remaining within her for 30 minutes, while looking in her eyes. Now, this is not sex. It is not oriented around orgasm. It is oriented around a relationship of shared joy and attraction. And although I have not done this, I think the feeling generated would be permanent. It would be something you could always recall. It would, actually, be a good way of concluding a marriage ritual. Seriously.
And materialistically, think of the pleasure you get of ordering something, and awaiting it expectantly. Oh, it is going to be so good. The new book, the new dress, the new whatever it is. Or think of the pleasure you get for a time owning a new car. Or the joy you feel as a new parent.
What I think is that Buddhist “Emptiness”, or the “void”, or “Fundamental Openness” is nothing but realizing that all of these feelings–and more–are possible without attachment to the objects we THINK occasion them. It is empty because there is nothing there. There is no person you need to feel that feeling. There is no new car. There is no anticipation of anything. All the things, in important respects, were placebos, which enabled you to activate a potential that was already there, in potentio.
This is something you can lean on which will never let you down. This is an emotional and spiritual SKILL which means that, no matter your material or social circumstances, you never need fear change. But it is also a FULLNESS. The space, the plenum, is filled with infinite energy. It is an infinite ocean–in an often used metaphor backed up by modern science–and matter something like foam on waves. You can be free in this space, though, and this freedom makes you more generous with yourself, and with others. Why not share your bread–physical and metaphorical–when there is an infinite amount to go around?
Within Kum Nye, there is a practice of remembering a wonderful time, a wonderful day, and focusing on it, and expanding it. For me, I have been dissociated my whole life, so there is very little to draw on. But I think all of us have felt this anticipation of getting something–a blowjob, a love letter, a trip around Europe. This is a useful starting place. Feel the feeling, then let the rest fall away. This is emotional skill practice. This is resilience training. This is prehab for emotional pain and suffering.
I look around me and see my own difficulties echoed everywhere. Everyone’s house is on fire. The only “normal” people are the ones you don’t know very well.
But so much more is possible. I see this. I feel this. I don’t know how much more time we have, but let us all try and wake up, and remember–perhaps not what we have forgotten, which is the point of this work–but THAT we have forgotten, something, and it is time to start trying to remember; to wake as babies with new eyes, in a new world, confused, but hopeful.
I believe, in any event, that is our destiny, which we can choose to accept, or not. Authentic religion is about remembering we all got lost somewhere. It’s not a sin. It was not a crime, any more than, to use a Christian metaphor, there is something personal intended when small lambs go astray.