Here is the thing: based on my potential, my intelligence, my aptitude, I am, by societies standards, objectively a failure. I didn’t get my Law degree, my M.D., my Ph.D, or build a lucrative business. I’m a normal schlub living an average life, who doesn’t even own a home.
Here’s an autobiographical ditty for you: probably my single best friend from high school invented, or co-invented, the iPhone. My other best friends from middle school/high school founded a software company in Silicon Valley after going to Stanford; won a Rhodes scholarship and became a tenured professor; and became a sculptor selling art pieces for pretty substantial sums of money, after doing a tour of Hollywood.
Me, I am obsessed with figuring out what life is about. When I fail, as I more or less continually have, this is useless.
On this specific topic, though, what I am slowly realizing is that failure precedes failure. An unresolved, hyperactive amygdala creates a periodic and sometimes strong feeling of shame. Shame is what gets input into the emotional system as “being” a failure. People who “are” failures have an overwhelming tendency to act the part. If you are a fuckup, what are your limits? None. You have no limits. Prison, death, and some form of exile are the only limits.
I can honestly say that I have done my best to wrestle with the demons of our age. For a long time, it has seemed to take all my energy. I am trying to stand sane, aware, and open, in the vast wind of change and craziness blowing through our world.
When I die, I don’t know what will happen. I believe life is a gift, and that we need to try and use it wisely. I also believe that most of us are subjected to madness most of our lives, making it silly to suppose we would use our lives wisely.
I hope God is merciful, and sees how long and hard I have tried to become sane in an insane world.
And we do live in a mad world. We value almost nothing we should value. For my part, I try to keep my calm, try to carry on, and try to learn something every day. I hope that makes a difference.
Edit: booze involved.