In his particular case, I don’t think he knew how to reinvent himself. He was trapped by being “Robin Williams” who everybody thought they knew. He needed to not be Robin Williams, and he didn’t know how. It likely seemed to him there was no way out, that lies and misery were the entirety of his remaining days. I’m sure his wife thought she knew him, but he must have felt otherwise. He was, obviously, a talented actor, which is to say deceiver.
The thing about depression is it can seem permanent. The defining factor is an inability to imagine a better future, even though–and this is an operation I’ve performed many times–one must logically posit one, given the data points of current location and direction of movement. If you are trying, and keep trying, and keep learning (repeating a bad strategy can lead to repeating a bad strategy), logically you will eventually succeed.
I have been getting moments, flashes, where my sadness drops away momentarily. And I can see that I will eventually reach a condition in which I can’t remember why I ever felt like that. This is the thing: if you have not had these feelings, they seem absurd, and looked at logically, they are. Looked at with emotional logic, though, with the very real and very profound sensitivity that is at the center of all of our hearts, it makes perfect sense.
One day it will all be gone, because I am doing the work I need to do. This is rational framing.
I will add for any depressives reading this some things I’ve added to my inventory. I’ve been getting really deep with my EmWave2. It has been provoking some powerful emotions. The thing is to stay with them, and maintain a calm focus on staying on track. Some very nice music to listen to is Vangelis’ L’Apocalypse des Animaux and Opera Sauvage. I’m also quite fond of Edwina Francesca’s little known “Breath of Heaven”, with Pacificas a particular favorite. I need to get Ishmael, since I suspect it also is very, very good.
I’ve been taking 5-HTP at night, along with a ZMA supplement with melatonin. I’m not a big melatonin fan, but they changed the blend I like at GNC, and I haven’t resourced it. I do my Alpha-Stim for 20 minutes every day, Kum Nye for an hour, and plan to take up yoga. I take fish oil and Vitamin D, this Mental Clarity supplement, and just started taking Ashwagandha .
I do not and never will believe in the things that psychiatrists prescribe. My strategy is multi-pronged, and based on a philosophy that if it is unlikely to hurt and may help, I include it.
For anyone who may have similar issues, I would simply say Carry On. It is a good motto. It is not the same thing as saying everything is alright or will be alright. Most depressives can’t imagine everything being alright, so saying they will be feels close to a lie. Carry On, though, says nothing but “don’t kill yourself. Keep trying.” And those ready for it will also hear “Maybe, just MAYBE something good will happen someday.”