Our relationships with the past are interesting. As time passes, do we not with some bittersweet regret remember “then”, and “her”, or “him”? Is it pleasant to contemplate past happinesses? Perhaps those with better imagination than me can readily call to mind halycon days, and friendships rewarded.
I do sometimes feel a deep sense of happiness and awareness and connection, but then it vanishes. It is so penetrating that I feel all the more superficial when it passes.
But always I seem to be here, where I am, in an eternal moment, and when I capture that cognitively, I remind myself that happiness is only rarely experienced consciously. When you are having your best days–your truly best days–you are often unaware.
No doubt many of us remember idle days by the lake or ocean, or on a boat with friends, or out on the town, laughing like fools. This is one type of happiness.
Yet, a deeper form of happiness is the work of creation, and that quite often feels momentarily like pain. When done, though, when one can stand back and look at the finished product, there is a satisfaction that is far larger and comprehensive than any momentary thrill at a bar or sporting event.
Happiness, in my mind, is building, building, building: more complex internal forms, created through choice, effort, introspection, and action. It is not linear. You cannot be happy if you are simply rich, and get the chance to indulge your taste for wine, women and song every night. There is room for that, but that is not the best.
So I wonder when I look back on my life, when I am much older than I am, what I will REALLY regret. It will likely be my many self indulgences, and not the work I have done for myself and others.