I got deep into some childhood stuff last night, really to the heart of my shaking, which has always lacked pictures, and I can tell you that my previous post was a much less unpleasant process than going to my diary and writing.
At root, evil is an avoidance. It is avoiding dealing with horrible traumas through the mechanism of enacting them. But it is circular: the trauma makes its presence known, a sadistic act is committed, temporary peace is bought, then it all starts again. It can never heal, and the farther down this path one goes, the harder it becomes to stop, because the pain is accumulating.
Talking about evil is in some respects for me an avoidance, but it is also I think a necessary process for me to go through, to wrap my brain around what happened to me and why.
Through an intrinsic ability for deep concentration, I was able to hide myself well enough to survive the floods. Now, it is time to being planting seeds, and watching living things grow.