I am having dreams about things I should have had feelings about, but which I didn’t. I was in largely loveless marriage for over ten years. I didn’t know any better. I had no reference point. But when I feel it now, feel the dominant feeling-tone of our relationship, it hurts.
And I have dreams where I feel keenly that one side of me is on one side of the room, and the other on the other side. I feel split in the dream, where I almost feel two simultaneous dreams.
But it’s all coming together. You can’t think your way through that, but you can observe it, feel it, as it happens.
This morning I woke up, after a night of erecting defenses from invaders and failing, that perhaps I am playing an extended version of the joke most people will have heard in childhood, where someone–usually with a lot of personality and imagination, if it’s done well–will talk about a monster chasing them for a long time, through forests and deserts, and across rivers, and oceans, on boats, and trains, and planes, and automobiles. Eventually you get stuck. You can’t get away. It looms up large, then touches you and says “Tag, You’re it.” Then runs away.
I felt that this morning. Maybe life is a giant game. One filled with horror and tragedy, to be sure, but which can be mastered, which can be digested, which can even be fun and regularly pleasurable.
I felt awful last night. I was coming down with something and likely should not have worked. This inner work is sucking something out of me which normally keeps me healthy. But I’ll take today off and be fine tomorrow.
I forgot the teacup, I had I think beers, and I weigh 291. I was munching last night on beef jerky (I make my own) dipped in this fantastic cashew dip I get at Costco. No surprise. I am slowly figuring all this out though. I need my old supports still while I build or find new ones.