And it occurred to me that if it is an organic, natural, appropriate thing to do, it is a useful idea to try and let them hear “I love you” 10,000 times before they are 20. That is 500 times a year, which is less than 2 times a day. That is doable.
You cannot give your kids a gift greater than a sense of their own worth and value, which is what love does. My parents tried to beat rote conformity into me, and didn’t get it once I was able to leave. What I am going to get is kids who listen to me because they love me and know I love them. And they know I want for them what is best for them, and that in the end, that has to be their decision, and that I will support them no matter what.
My oldest asked me how I would feel about a nose ring. I told her I don’t like nose rings, but that she is of an age where it is up to her, and that I would support her no matter what. I think it is likely she will not get a nose ring, but it will be OK if she does. The important thing is that she feels the freedom to become who she wants to be. That is what I want for her, and she knows it.
And I would add, too, that “parenting” is not like an industrial process. There are not steps you can follow. This “I love you” idea only works if you mean it. Otherwise, it will alienate your kids.
I truly believe that you cannot do anything more productive than working on yourself, on your own unprocessed and latent emotions, if you want to be a better parent. All of your judgment, all of the vibes you give off–verbally and much more importantly non-verbally–stem from who you are and what you are feeling. You cannot hide in an emotional space as small as a family, and there is no point trying.
And if you have unprocessed emotions, admit them. Admit your flaws, in age appropriate ways, so that your kids do not blame themselves for your fits, and so they don’t grow up thinking their parents were perfect. They will find out eventually anyway, but if you tried to set yourself up as an ideal, their eventual discovery will be quite damaging to your relationship.