Why do I write so much? Why did I write all those essays on Goodness Movement? Why have I spent so much time in political and philosophical debate?
Because I was fighting, through proxy, demons within myself. Anyone who is driven is driven by something, and a better word might be chased by something.
Love is gradual. Love is patient and takes the long view. Love embraces and expands and it is flexible and adaptable. It is attraction, not compulsion, not obsession.
Hate may manifest using the word love or the word goodness. It may project words like justice and peace, but it does not come from those places, and it does not really know them.
I myself was laid on a sacrificial altar and every effort made to destroy me emotionally by my family. I had no shelter but abstraction and dissociation. No one intervened to save me. Even now, they refuse to recognize what they tried to do, and I am left with that memory.
When a knife enters you, it leaves a gap. Your memory retains that gap, and fashions it into an identical weapon, to be directed against the world in some way. Now, this energy can and often is introjected to create a second wound, through patterns of self destruction and self harm, but it cannot easily be dissipated except through knowing and a slow process of acceptance and integration.
I do not want to be smart. I want to be wise. And this process is non-linear.
My past indicates I will be fine, but right now I am dealing with some extraordinarily destructive and nasty energies, that I have, seemingly, kept at bay until it was time to deal with them. That time is now. I have long practice facing things which I cannot face.
Wish me well. I feel I may be human soon, and have learned important things in this excruciating experience.