I am a happy drunk, and have many times been told the next day that I was profoundly amusing. I love everyone when I am drunk, and I feel all their pain.
I feel deeply about many things, feelings that show on my face, which sometimes scare people. I am in the process of trying to process some deep, deep things in my life, in my past, and oceans sometimes rush on me. I am a man. I can deal with it. I have balls.
But oh, the floods, sometimes. I would be hard pressed to communicate to anyone the grief, the sadness, the terrors that sometimes fall upon me. They cannot be shared. They are mine alone. And it is good. I chose this. I truly believe this. You should not praise a drill instructor who accepts anything but excellence.
My job, as I see it at present, is to remain present to these deep feelings, and the overall mission, the point of all this, is for me to learn to recover from deep feeling. To feel deep sadness, to go into it completely, then to slowly come back out of that abyss and feel normally, to be a normal human being, having learned what that abyss feels and looks like. To explore, and to have the balls to walk into hell, and the recuperative capacity to heal afterwards, and feel and act like a normal human being.
I went into a local bar where I have become a regular, and they have a woman working there who can work a room of men better than anyone I have ever seen. It is amazing: she can keep 10 men thinking they stand a chance for hours, and thinking when they leave that the next visit is the one that will do it. Self evidently, she is people smart. She took one look at me tonight and asked me if I was tired, or grumpy or something else. I told her the truth, which is that I can feel 5 different things at the same time, and I wasn’t sure which one was predominating, although it was likely grief. I went to see the movie Arrival last night, and it touched me deeply and I was pondering the role of fate in all our lives. Maktub? Feelings flow into me, and I seemingly have the stamina few possess to tolerate their company for long periods of time.
The further truth is that all of us can feel many things at once, but few of us can stay in touch with all those feelings. Most of us choose one or two, and stick with them.
I am an intellectual, but one who dives deeply into sensations that terrify me. But what is life without balls? What is life without risk? What would be life with perfect security? If there is nothing out there that can consume me, how can I learn the value of life? Without daring, what is love?
Presently I have four beers, a bottle of wine, and about 4 ounces of vodka in me, so take all that into consideration. All of this is truth serum for me, though, and I truly appreciate it. I thank God for it. I will push through this phase of my life, but if you could feel what I feel, see what I see, you would understand the mercy offered by intoxication, self poisoning, and following resurrections.