But I sometimes–and last night was an example–mainline fear. It is like fear–really terror–was concentrated and injected into me. And I have all the normal reactions. I shout out, I shake. I more or less literally fell out of bed twice last night and wound up shaking on the floor. Not pleasant. And I verbalize in weird ways I won’t try to describe, but this is the main feature that makes me think this is most likely PTSD, and not some other ailment, like heart trouble, or metabolic derangement, or sleep apnea. I had some particularly odd experiences last night I won’t describe, but which were completely inconsistent with any of those diagnoses. It is not something I have seen described anywhere. I continue to most trust myself as my own therapist.
And you live with something long enough, you begin to show contempt for it. And its source is changing. It was in my legs, then my belly, now it is in my heart region. There is an energy of panic and being startled/terrified just floating around there, somewhat randomly. This dovetails with my current Kum Nye practice, which is oriented around releasing areas of holding. This iteration I am again working on the belly, but now the face as well, and implicitly everything in between.
I am going to need to focus on positive things for a period of time. I am going to need to focus on sleeping through the night, which will include eradicating blood sugar issues (not a big factor, but may be a factor), getting more consistent in my Kum Nye, and overall reducing for the time being the number of things I am worrying about. I worry about global events that I can little affect, and certainly not control. All that tension and anxiety adds up. It accumulates, and there is some part of me that is the perfect place to receive it.
Google Chrome has an app called StayFocused. I’m not a big fan of Google–after all, they were Obamas’s biggest campaign contributor and employ Ray Kurzweil–but if I want to use only politically and economically sane technology companies, I am pretty much SOL. Anyway, I’m going to block all my political sites, and only allow 15 minutes a day on Facebook until I can sleep all night.
Edit: Stayfocused wasn’t doing shit–it was not counting down on the sites I blocked–and I then realized it allows Google to track me in even finer detail than before, and they have NO way of removing it from Chrome, once installed. So I switched to Firefox, and am simply going to try and control myself.
Correction: you CAN remove this extension. I still don’t like Google, but I try to tell the truth about things.
And I’m going to try and watch a comedy nightly.