Evil

As I investigate my own evil, I realize I have often been a bully.  The way this works is that if you are not cruel and belittling to others, you are so to yourself.  Even the most sniveling, apparently cowardly person has within themselves the capacity for rage.  You can go a life without expressing it, but it remains there, nonetheless.

My father was and remains a bully.  I suppose I have dealt with my mothers energy, now it is time for his.

And in what does bullying–power seeking, evil–consist?  It is the opposite of love: where love builds, it tears down; where love values, it denigrates; where love brings peace and happiness, it brings obsession, anxiety, self loathing and chronic anger.

The essence of power seeking is to make others smaller by making oneself relatively bigger.  Since you have forsworn actual emotional growth, this consists practically in remaining exactly who you were, and making everyone else cringe and shrink.  All sadisms exists on a continuum, but at root consist in making others feel small, however that is done.

And sadism and so-called masochism are related.  Sade himself was a masochist.  He liked being whipped, too, in my understanding.  This is not necessarily what he wrote–I am hardly a Sade scholar, or desirous of becoming so–but what he did.

And why not?  He was cruel because he was small.  Allowing a full circle, allowing others to denigrate him, simply validated his own self perception. He wanted his grave to disappear from human sight.

The essence of love is to make oneself actually bigger by making others bigger.

What I am going through currently is a very non-linear, cloud-like expansion.  I do not feel love, but rather see billowing waves of what was small within me expanding into my sight and perception.

It is not pleasant.  I sat down to a meditation last night and it felt like I was sitting with evil, like I was drinking tea with the eminently mythic (in a formal psychological sense) Lord Voldemort, and imbibing all his energy.

But what I feel is that these heat waves, these shimmering clouds, also want to expand.  They were trapped, and it is the nature of all coiled up emotional energies to blend with life, with motion, with air, and to lose their immediate power in rejoining the universe, which of course retains its power always.

I will add as well that I vowed to give this blog up as a crutch.  Well, seemingly I still need this crutch.  A soldier uses every tool at his disposal, however ridiculous or inappropriate it may seem.  The goal is victory, not victory in a specific way.