I remember reading about the deaths of people dying from cancer, who likewise cannot get a moments calm repose. Up, down, sideways, on their stomach: nothing is comfortable. There is no escape but death and the relative death of heavy sedation and pain-killers.
I find this in me. The pain within me seeks constant motion. I can escape it through my intellect, through distraction, through motion, and of course through intoxication. Wherever I am, whatever I am doing, I should be doing something else, somewhere else. Nowhere is home, and of course this was my primal experience.
What I am finding is that healing takes place by choosing to remain still, but simultaneously allowing this surge of restless energy to manifest, and to be present to it. To speak to it, to understand it, to sympathize with it, to recognize its purpose–to protect me–and to give it permission to do so.
The process of trauma healing is one of allowing antique processes of affect and behavior to complete. They were started oh so long ago, but had nowhere to go, nowhere to disperse, no way to release their energies. And so they remain, ghosts from the past, constantly seeking release from an endless circle with no exit.
You can tap into this, poke a hole in it, and watch the sudden release of energies.
I continue my Kum Nye, but am finding regularly that my EmWave2 will also facilitate this work. I can keep my heart calm and coherent, all while feeling manic energies flowing through me into the atmosphere. It is an odd juxtaposition, but not really I suppose, all things considered. We all “exist” on many layers, in many places, the connections between which are both robust and often obscure.
I watch and I learn. This is what I do. I often feel sadness, and often feel rage. Often I feel I don’t feel anything at all, which I pour words on to; but I increasingly recognize another possibility.
This is useful work, and I share it because sharing is therapeutic for me, but also because I recognize this world is filled with bullshit, and would likely benefit from a few people willing to struggle in public who do not want your money or recognition.