Last night, I gave the no-booze a whirl, and I woke up at least 20 times during the night. The shaking has nothing to do with booze. I have given it up twice for a month in the past six months, and it continued unabated. I just dealt with it. Most of the startles are early in the night, and by 3am or so, they reduce greatly.
Last night I woke up as a baby, completely helpless, completely paralyzed with fear, wide-eyed, and terrified. Then I fell asleep and did it again. And again. I literally cannot count the times it felt like I was going to die in the past 4 years or so. It’s in the hundreds.
And I woke up this morning and functioned fine. And it occurred to me that in some respects I am being inoculated. I am looking into terror, into horror, and doing it repeatedly. Some part of me remembers, some part of me sees it as no big deal.
What I have felt several times in the past few days is that there is a way to incorporate fear, incorporate horror, into everyday possibility, and make it USEFUL. Use it to make me strong. Very strong.
Here is the thing: animals lack the memory of humans. Deer can run and get away and shake and reset. Human beings who have been traumatized will NEVER forget that this is a possibility. Ever.
This means that you have to accept it. You have to learn to process it. You have to welcome it, and bring it in. You have to be able to say “Hello, Horror. Have a seat. I will pour you a drink. But I won’t feed you.”
I feel this. I feel this deeply. There is a HUGE lesson here. Tonight, I chose to give myself a break, and have the drinks I needed. But I’ll go back outside the wire in the next day or two, and pay the price again. There is a feeling that underlies all the images that precipitate horror in us. There is a precursor. There is a bodily sensation. There is a cause to the effect.
I have more to say, but am enjoying listening to Led Zeppelin. This song is underrated:; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZgblTKscX0
Let’s all hope we die tomorrow, well, and do so again every day after until we have to leave. There is a beauty in fearlessness.
Be beautiful.