Now, none of these vocations really appeal to me, even now, but the point was that IF I had been able to think clearly, all would have been open. But I couldn’t think clearly. I was always the guy people talked about behind his back, saying “how is he not getting THAT?”
Actually, I have a fierce power of focus, so I can likely name the individuals who were doing that, but it is certainly true that what was easy or relatively easy, for most, was always hard for me. It is very, very hard for me to stay on task. This gets called ADHD, but it wasn’t for me, and I suspect it isn’t for most people who “have” it.
Developmental trauma always made me on edge, frightened, and it always made me feel like, wherever I was, and whoever I was with, I didn’t belong in some subtle way, and that I was a fox among dogs. Or perhaps more accurately, a dog among foxes.
And, of course, I have always had a powerful temper. I created situations for myself that, if I lacked the native intelligence I have, would have been fatal for my job in more than one instance.
But I can do so much more. I have never come close to using what God gave me in an even, disciplined, sustained way. It has always hurt much too much. I have a very high emotional and physical pain tolerance, but you can only hurt so much for so long before not giving yourself a break would only occur to a psychopath, and I am not a psychopath: just a severely wounded human being, trying while limping to keep up with everyone else, and doing so poorly in many respects.
I am significantly smarter than I have yet been able to manifest here or elsewhere. Everything I do, everything I write, is in spite of continual emotional energy that fights me, blinds me, and tries to strangle me.
It’s quite possible that if I were not natively intelligent, I would have lost my mind long ago. I can’t honestly say how I have kept my balance and focus as well as I have.