How’s that?
I’m in an odd place. I’m still processing last week. I have odd times, with odd people, sometimes. I like right angles, curves, and loopety loops. And misspellins.
I feel like I connected my head with my heart. This is an odd thing. The mind is still there, and the heart is still there, but they are now talking. It feels weird. I think that was the source of yesterday’s odd post. I like to think of my thinking as a hammer: hard, clear, fresh.
But clearly, I think a LOT. How can I say I don’t like discussing ideas? I just like discussing them with myself. I find that even though I am an asshole sometimes, I tend to agree with most of what I say, and understand the bulk of my thinking, although some of this shit god only knows what the actual point is, if any.
To use a word new to me, I think I have tended to pendulate between states. I feel until it gets too rough, then enter my head. After a time, I head back into thiis feeling shit.
But the shit is getting easier. I’m actually accessing moments of profound contentment and even joy, despite the fact that I have tapped into and am now in dialogue with some fairly serious trauma.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned this somewhere, but if you write as much as me you can’t keep stuff straight: my “guru” is a guy named Jack Schwarz, who I have never met. I had two dreams of him, both of which remain with me to this day.
In the first, he was skateboarding. What he communicated to me was a deep sense of playfulness and fearlessness. Life is not so serious. Pain is not so serious. Engage. Interact. Play, wherever you are and whatever you are doing.
I feel like I have entered that energy somewhat this week. My day job sees me driving many miles every day, interacting with people and environments that are completely foreign to me, solving problems with no help, then moving on.
The addon to the story is that the dream encouraged me to look up his website. I had read about him, and I think had one of his books, but otherwise had no idea about him. When I pulled it up, the very first image was of a kid skateboarding. Experiences like that stay with you.
The second dream was of him–and he may have been dead at this point, as I don’t remember the exact date–showing me what absolutely unconditional love feels like. I just saw him, and felt this radiant energy coming out of him, and knew that no matter who I was, what I had done, or where I came from, I was loved, absolutely.
The Hindus speak of Darshana, and the Jews and Arabs of Baraka (yes, same root), which is a qualitative energetic communication. I believe I received Jack’s Darshana.
Now, he absolutely discouraged cultism, and personal devotion. He always said you have to find your own way, although he offered ideas and practices which had been helpful to him.
To my mind, no book or teaching could ever even approach the gift of feeling these energies, such that I can aim at trying to manifest them in my own life.
Oh, I’m having some tequila again, but all alcohol has ever done for me is make me more honest. I have love and respect in me. I take my responsibilities very seriously. I take my life seriously. I work HARD at personal growth. I have walked into Hell many, many times. I know I can do it, and I am tempted to say it does not frighten me, but I have likely just numbed that part of myself.
I need to hit the sack. 8 hours of driving tomorrow, and I will not have a day off for at least three weeks. It’s all good, though: it’s an adventure. I am really, truly beginning to feel that excitement and enthusiasm.