Writing this, I get a shiver down my spine, but within the dreams I am getting used to it. I don’t like it, but it does not terrify me any more. I can look directly at them–they are invisible, but the energy is unmistakably clear, consisting in malice, nervous tension, and continual rage–and speak to them. This would have been impossible in the past.
Now, I am psychoanalytically astute enough to consider these may be manifestations of a complex or even latent psychosis. As I calm, I see how much I have missed. As I have split seconds of truly being in the present, I feel how frightening it is to let go of EVERYTHING. My tension, itself, has been my constant companion for many years. It was always there, so I could make some predictions about the future: this, at least, I knew, would be there, no matter what I did or where I went.
In a waking state, it seems to me that both ideas are most likely true. I do believe in demons and angels. I also believe I have had much of the demonic in me all my life. When you cannot calm yourself, that is their feeding ground. No one taught me to calm myself, and all my life I have been prone to fits of rage, subtle cruelties I would only notice after I had already hurt someone, and relentless disquiet.
In speaking of true resilience, which is the ability not just to keep going, but to process the experience and expand in the process, it seems to me that it is VERY important that, just once in their life, and of course ideally often, a child experience an adult presence which comforts and calms them. My particular malady–and there are many like me–is that my mother terrified me more than anyone else in the world.
To put it mildly, this has created problems
But I am healing, slowly. It frightens me. I don’t know what to expect. Pain which had been frozen comes gushing in at me.
But I do believe this is what I signed up for. This all has a purpose, and it seems most likely that purpose is, as I have said before, fully experiencing hell, and finding a way out in spite of it all. I have the tools. I have the balls. And I have the intention. It will all be fine in the end.