My intent is to be efficient. I have a strong will, and have always had the ability to accomplish difficult things. But I have always done so in a state of constant tension. Tension is good. It is needed sometimes. But imagine trying to walk without ever relaxing either leg. Make that emotional motion, and that has been my lifelong problem.
As I probe deeper, I am touching experiences from very early childhood, roughly 1-3 years old, that have very definitely been affecting me my entire life. Now, as I see it, the trick is not to verbalize these things, and I’m not going to describe anything, but will simply say that I view my task as finding–as surgically as possible–the worst things that have ever been done to me, and reconnecting fully with that emotion as an adult with other options. I looking for pain to make it go away.
I stated some time ago that courage is what fills the gap between confidence and necessity. My goal is to never need courage, to have such control of my emotional world that I can muster whatever confidence I need whenever I need it. Will power is what you need when you exceed previous limits. It is best saved for those cases. You can make it a lot farther without needing will power with a well organized mind and personality; one devoid of the need to avoid anything; one with consistently straight paths from A to Z.
In my time, I have met quite a few special operations types, and was struck in particular by some of the SEAL’s I met in San Diego. A number of them seemed almost effeminate to me. What I eventually decided is that they were simply very, very relaxed. Swimmers in general are like that. Endurance comes from not working more than necessary.
Why is it that we associate tension with masculinity? I was watching a fat middle aged man with a cowboy hat on his dashboard get into a big Hummer the other day, and thinking that he probably acted tough all day, and is now going home to a slew of strong drinks.
Or John Wayne. He is a host of movement dysfunctions. He held an enormous amount of tension all over his body. Now, I grew up watching John Wayne. He was a hero, and I’m not running him down. Nor am I criticizing those who do difficult things and carry what might be termed “movement scars” on their bodies.
What I AM suggesting is that we need a better model of toughness. What I am suggesting is that part of being a complete human being is the ability to meditate deeply, to breath with complete openness and hope, and to purge oneself of all foolish vanities, all unnecessary struggles, and to be open completely to all the beauties of life.
In Yoga, the Proud Warrior pose opens the chest. This cannot be an accident. Do wars start in the muscles surrounding the clavicle? It’s an odd, but perhaps pertinent question.