This is not to be maudlin, but at times that is how I feel.
Yet there is something which goes on, it always goes on. I can trust it to go on. At some deep level I am simply congenitally, in my DNA, incapable of quitting.
And I look at my life thus far, and it seems obvious that it has consisted in reconnaissance, planning, and weapon building. I have not yet begun to fight.
And to be clear, a “weapon” in the battle for clarity is a clear idea. A weapon in the battle for emotional balance is a sound psychotherapy. Weapons in the battle for a peaceful world are personal sanity and penetrating intelligence.
Perhaps six months to a year ago I downloaded a guided visualization meant to help me see my future. I can’t remember who it was from, but we got to the end of the relaxation, and I saw a giant church, and that was it. Nothing about career, relationships, where I’d be. Nothing but a giant, gothic stone cathedral.
But as I imagine it, could we not one day reach a point where all the Christian churches are reappropriated, for a new type of spiritual work? Could we not make them hum with activity, useful activity, joyful activity, communal activity? Now, I have nothing against Christianity, but at this point all it can do is fight a defensive battle. None of its claims can be entered into the empirical column in a scientific dialogue. I have nothing against Christianity, but I also don’t think long term defensive battles can be won. Offense is needed. New ideas are needed. Growth is needed. My intent is not to stifle what is good in Christianity, but to augment it, expand it, beautify it, purity it.
As I think about it honestly, I think much of my hurt likely comes from other lives. This one has certainly been a challenge, but I think there is other stuff piled in there too. I think I have been killed many times, because–as in this life–I am willing to say the things that need to be said, and pay the price (hell, is it time for the lynching already? I just got here.). But I can always count on this whatever it is. However much it hurts, I keep going, and I rebuild everything that has been broken, and then build something new.
I would like to incorporate more pleasure in my life, but my principle focus is and always will be learning how to do effective, useful, needed work. Since our world is run by dunces, there is no shortage of such work.
I will say to anyone listening though that although success is far from certain, the battle for the future of Goodness in this world can be won.