Author: White Whale

First off, I am going to confess to drinking a 750ml of gin the night before last.  I have reached a point where I believe it is reasonable, and possible, to start holding myself accountable.  I had some work I mildly needed to do yesterday–nothing urgent, yet–and I didn’t do it.

Alcohol is a sort of reset button for me, but I think something better than normal happened.  I allowed some antique feelings out.  I am lonely, this is certainly true.  And I realized that feeling lonely is actually progress.  I normally just suppress that.  I write angry blog posts.  And I realized that I don’t like people very much, in actuality.  I like them in theory.  We’re supposed to do that.  But I don’t trust like people.  The ones I have trusted have hurt me much too deeply.

Hurt: that’s another feeling I have not allowed.

I got so drunk I apparently tried to eat a raw eggplant, and, realizing that was a bad idea, ate bundles of basil, cilantro and dill.  I don’t ever want to go there again.

Here is the thing: I am a demographic.  I am the middle aged white man who shoots himself in his mid-50’s.  You enter adulthood with a host of emotional pains, you try to make them go away, fail, and realize at some point your health will start heading south.  I was seriously depressed for a moment.

But I’m in a transition zone.  This is always a challenge.  I feel great this morning.  I continue dreaming, dreaming, dreaming about creating my “church”, about engineering through persuasion the mass creation of what would amount to second families for most people, families based on the shared pursuit of mental health, happiness, and generalized flourishing.  I have all the ideas.  I just need to get myself to an emotional place I have never been.

I have never truly FELT loved.  I’ve heard the words “I love you”.  They are easy enough to say.  But I have never felt that.  This is an odd thing, but I feel it is very common.  Very common.  Perhaps something approaching ubiquitous.  I don’t know.  I can’t feel inside other people’s hearts, but based on the suicide and addiction numbers, it’s a reasonable supposition.

Which brings me to this post.  We have, I think, a crisis of belonging.  Families are not as tight as they perhaps once were.  Certainly, maybe Italian and Mexican and–dare I say it?–Catholic families, but we Protestants, we move around.  We are ambitious.  You have to make your mark on the world, and you can’t do that sitting around in your home town.

Ambition: what does it REALLY get us?  If you gain a world of respect for your work, but lose track of the people in your life, lose your sane relationship with yourself?

When I look at, say, CNN, they are peddling belonging.  You watch them, you belong to a group.  You know what the other people in that group will be saying and thinking.  It makes life more predictable, because everyone is synchronizing on the same signal.

And in this world its easy to see the psychological and social value of victims.  If you can claim you are  a victim, you are special.  You get ATTENTION, and we all crave attention.  Very few of us feel listened to on a deep level, so a superficial, scripted, programmed level is perhaps the next best thing.

And for the people worshipping the victims, you get a feeling of importance.  You get to feel good.  You get to feel righteous.  And you get to channel the low grade depression you feel because life makes no sense to you and you have no place into self righteous anger.  You need this anger to deal with your sadness, with your feeling all alone and belonging nowhere to no one.  It is a simple, easy morality.  But not, ultimately, a sustainable or truly nourishing one. 

Looked at this way, the Daily Cause mentality makes a whole lot of sense emotionally.

These are complex problems, and I get confused myself often, but I think there is a core of truth here.

And I do think we are on this Earth to learn how to love one another.  It’s a cheap and easy word I rarely use, but this is I think the truth, the most important truth.

As I thaw, I expect volatility, but I am slowly putting into place things for me, which say to me, “you are valuable, and worth loving.”  You cannot accept the love of another until you feel like you are loveable, that the other person is not simply making a mistake, because if they knew how you REALLY are.  .  .

I think I was put on this Earth to do difficult work.  I think I’ve done it before.  I have the capacity to suffer inordinately, and make something good out of it.  I have a tremendous well of love and compassionate energy I am slowly learning to tap into.

Pray for me, if you are so inclined.  I will make my way to you when I can.

It occurs to me that self sabotage really is a form of self regulation.  It really is some unconscious or semi-conscious part of the personality trying to fashion order out of the confusion of life.

Anyone who has trauma in their past had moments where they had to adapt how they were thinking in order to go on.  You have to accept as normal what was highly abnormal.  You have to shrug your shoulders at things which should enrage you.  You have to learn to push things which bother you out of your mind.  You have to sequester parts of your consciousness, and do your best to pretend they don’t exist.

All of these things allow you to survive.  You become functional in a dysfunctional place.

I think self sabotage–and obviously this is highly relevant to me–is really a recursion to patterns which worked at one time.  It is, in some important respects, healthy, because it recalls things which were highly adaptive at one time.

For me, the ability to check out emotionally was absolutely critical.  I spent large chunks of time just not there, lost in fantasy, lost in my thoughts, somewhere else.  Drinking is, I think, for me a way of repeating that pattern, of not feeling, of just disappearing.

But my world is not that bad now.  It’s far from ideal, to be sure, but it’s really not that bad.  That pattern, that need, is something I can let go of.

I am perhaps reciting truisms here, but I’m trying to work my brain around all this.  Giving up drinking is giving up a last vestige of something that saved my life.  It’s necessary to take the next step, to grow into what I am meant to grow into, but it feels odd.

For people like me, self sabotage FEELS RIGHT.  I’ll get a healthy behavior set going, then a few days in, some overwhelming compulsion will come along, that FEELS RIGHT, that upsets the apple cart, again.  I need to describe this pattern, so I know to expect, know what it needs, and know how to feed it without losing myself again.

There are millions of people like me, too.  Probably hundreds of millions.  Life is an odd thing, but it seems to be getting easier for me.

Rahm is clearly on the Obama team, but I’ve always thought him to be much smarter than Obama.  Frankly, I’ve long thought nearly everyone around Obama to be much smarter than Obama. He’s a soap opera actor–not unlike Jussie Smollett, come to think  of it–who learned at some point to read his lines more or less presidentially.

Be that as it may, Rahm can’t be too upset about the abrogation of justice–these are his people after all–but I suspect he is astute enough to realize that this particular miscarriage of justice, right now, with klieg lights on it, right after Trump was vindicated and Creepy Porn Lawyer (thanks as always Tucker) was arrested, is really bad optics.  Bad optics is bad politics.

So it’s not an excessive reach to think it is POSSIBLE that this, too, helps Trump.  Justice was obviously subverted.  Smollett obviously used privilege to avoid punishment.  He obviously benefited from a two tiered justice system.  Place all this into a bag, shake it around with Trump’s acquittal and all we know about Hillary, and it’s not hard to pull out a profound loss of faith in our system of justice, going all the way to the top, to the top of the Justice Department, to the head of the FBI, and to, in the case of Obama, the President himself.

In 2016, so many people were thinking “this is not possible”, and “America does not work like that”.  Well, guess what?  It fucking DOES work like that.  We KNOW that.  Trump has thrown flares up in the dark so we can see all the traitors sowing their lies everywhere.  It’s an open secret.  It’s something everyone with the eyes to see should be able to see.

If you are not paranoid, you are stupid.  You can quote me on that, at least with respect to this topic.  I was recalling in a discussion with a guy today how I literally wanted to leave America if Hillary won.  He was telling me about how the Army now docks soldiers pay when they fuck up, rather than run them into the ground, or kick them, literally, in the ass.  It’s hard for me to have faith in the future, when the Army cannot figure out how to get its recruits to show up to things on time.  Rather, if I might speak more precisely, when the people who know EXACTLY how to get soldiers to show up on time are prohibited from using time honored and highly effective methods.

I still wonder where I would go.  I fantasize about Central Asia for some reason.  I would have to convert to Islam, probably, but this would not be such a burden as long as I could reference people like Hafiz and Saadi and Rumi.  They kill Sufis in some places, but perhaps not in others.  Anyway, perhaps that will not be needed.  And whatever I decide, my body will lie lifeless somewhere eventually. I’ve got that going for me.

What I don’t want to do is be surrounded the rest of my life by SJW’s, parading crap feelings, crap ideas, and an utter and complete lack of soul, courage, or life force. I’ll take “savages” over that.  But that decision is not yet needed.  But it may yet be.

It’s definitely not too late for this whole experiment in government of the people, by the people, for the people, to hit the shit heap of history, because far too many of us are far too fucking stupid.

Dear reader: don’t be a fucking complacent douchebag.  Think your own thoughts, and feel your own feelings.   I have a spot of gin in me, but not enough to do anything but encourage me to express what is on my mind.

In the same respect that I think we (by we I mean Americans who love our country and its system) needed to lose the House to win the White House again in 2020, it’s hard to say that this whole Mueller thing has not been on balance a good thing for the President, and the cause of truth generally.  It was a Big Lie, one repeated often, one investigated carefully–indeed, likely to the point of illegality–and shown false.  All the media outlets peddling it have been shown to be amoral, highly politicized hacks uninterested in reporting news, so much as in creating it.

And I will note as well, and recall, all my own histrionics about this.  All my worries, my guesses, my fears, my hopes.

There is a book called The Confidence Course which I read perhaps twenty years ago, when I was still in Sales and constantly trying to pump myself up for work I am really not a natural for.  Salespeople need to be on the golf course, not having anxiety dreams about abandoning the study of Sanskrit.

Be that as it may, what I recall as his first lesson is to keep a record of your worries for a week or more.  Write them down, as many as you can remember.  Will you make the mortgage, is somebody conspiring against you at work, will that prospect go with someone else, is that mild health thing vastly worse than it seems.  Etc.

Then–you know where this is going–you pull that list out a month or two down the road, and compare reality to worry.  What I think all of us find is that most of the time–the overwhelming bulk of the time–most of what we worry about does not come to pass, and even when it does, it’s usually not as bad as we feared.  It’s easy to fear a shot.  But they don’t really hurt that much, or that long.

So this whole thing ended up the right way.  The story had a happy ending.  And that ending may lead to further erosion of support for the DemoMedia complex, more support for Trump, and perhaps in 2020 we might get some real leadership in Congress.

Would it not be more appropriate to think of zombies as UnLiving, than as the UnDead? 

Zombies, in all iterations of this myth currently, are essentially human beings reduced to the animal level of appetite.  They are only hunger, only want, only aggression to feed.  But they are, for this purpose, very much alive.  They are animals who feed, in most cases, on human brains.  They are simply reduced humans.

What is missing is awareness, consciousness, memory of who they once were, of what they once valued beyond food.  They are UnLiving.

Self evidently, as far as I know zombies don’t exist, outside of, perhaps, the effects of some unholy drugs and herbal compounds.  But culturally they are HUGE.  They, along with vampires and werewolves, are everywhere.

To fail to affirm life, then, is to become a zombie, and life means independence of spirit, while remaining conscious of alternatives, other viewpoints, and the possibility at all times that views and ideas will need to change and evolve.  Life is the capacity to respond qualitatively to a wide variety of stimuli.  Death is being reduced to responding solely to hunger, and solely in response to prey.

It occurs to me this morning that the notion that Christ died for our sins means that we have to die for our sins too.  Everybody dies.  And until you die, and are reborn within a conformist group, you live in sin, and you DESERVE to die.

Now, shame has many causes.  As I have said often, many of us inherit it from childhoods where we simply felt chronically unsafe.  Our mothers did not hold us enough.  They were emotionally incapable of MEANING “I love you”, if they said it at all (I don’t recall mine ever saying that when I was growing up, but my memory is perhaps deficient; I don’t remember much of my childhood).

But powers that want to control us learned long ago that shame is a powerful motivator.  It is something simply floating in the air they can grab, and use it to get to our balls and wills.  This is the core truth with respect to Christianity as it has been passed down to us.

No religion based on love has everlasting damnation as a consequence of individual choice, personality, and belief.  But if you already feel shame, and everyone is telling you you have to submit or face eternal flame, you will break sooner rather than later.

And as I’m sure I’ve discussed, ponder the power the Popes had over kings throughout their long dominance in Europe.  They could literally condemn kings to Hell, to everlasting damnation, and the only way out for kings was to reject the Christian faith, or in the case of Henry VIII–and no doubt some others I am too historically ignorant to know about, or recall at this moment–do some really creative theology.

When love is the focus, Christianity is a very life affirming, positive thing.  But as an explanation of how the world works, Hinduism and its many cousins is vastly less judgmental.  You get as many chances as you need, and it may be quite a few.

In my own case, I am attacked every night by a host of emotions.  I am trying to name them, to feel them, to process them, so that I can one day let them all go–or perhaps more accurately, allow them to go, since moving on is already in the nature of normally transient affect.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrlVaiNzQaI

There is a documentary out there called “Root Cause”, which details how root canals cause all sorts of health problems which are very very hard to trace back to their, yes, root cause.  The way the surgery is done, the root is cut off from access to the immune system, and a high percentage of them become infected, but invisibly.

It can cause organ problems, body pains, even cancer.

The ADA, almost certainly, had the video taken down from all digital platforms, presumably under threat of lawsuit, which is sketchy as fuck.  They should publicly refute the findings.  But as the doctor in this video notes, they have a LONG history of being more or less fraudulent in their claims, and risk indifferent with respect to their patients.  The use of mercury, long after it was known to be a toxin, is one.  Their continuing claim that fluoridation is good for us is another (I’ve been using bottled water for years).

Don’t trust large groups.  Don’t trust people who say “trust me”.  Some of them are honest, and some of them are money grubbing amoral psychopaths.  And all of them are fucking arrogant.  They NEED, psychologically, to feel like they have all the answers.

This talk is what got me on this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPDPrXEAe1s

This guy has sterling bona fides as an eye doctor, and everything he says in this video and the next makes a ton of sense.

I don’t know who is pulling the strings in this world.  There is no conspiracy needed, really, to do the math to generate mass stupidity.  All you need to do is add complacency to habit to arrogance.  C+H+A=Stupidity.  The scientific method really has no formal means of avoiding this, other than the ambition of individual scientists to discover something new, and which in general is opposed by all dominant orthodoxies and their priesthood.

I get my cynicism honestly.  I am a student of how things really work.

Are all conspiracy theories valid?  Self evidently, no.  Can you assume, though, that masses of people in power are capable of lying to you?  Mon Dieu: it happens every day.  This is why freedom of speech is so categorically important.  If those in power can get classes of information out of circulation, it makes the job of truth suppression vastly easier.  They can make it so we don’t even know what questions to ask.

Emotions which are buried alive never die.

Not sure on source.  It was quoted in passing in a video I’m watching.

Most Indian traditions speak of “sin” as avidya, ignorance, literally “not knowing”.

I think it might also be worth viewing “sin” as a sort of tragedy, as a case where someone, not knowing their way, got lost in the darkness.

It would be the role of a shepherd to find such people, and bring them back to the light.  There is nothing personal in any of this. 

To be clear, I feel something best called evil exists, and must be fought, but how it is framed, precisely, makes a huge difference.

In dark moonless night, some of the flock wandered off.  Now they have forgotten they are lost, or that they ever had a home.

Me, I’m lost too, but I know it, and that makes a large difference.

I think what most women who have been violated in one way or another by a man REALLY need is the energy of a man who is healthy and whole, and protective to his very soul.

I only vaguely meant that to rhyme.  My point is that the feminine is very important in human life.  In my considered view, more important than the masculine.  But so too is masculine, protective, I will die for you, you are safe now, energy.

Oh, the lies bounce off the walls and hit us twice.  To be sober and sane in this world is a feat currently beyond me.

But I’m making progress!!!