Developmental trauma, and “simple” PTSD both carry with them a daily load of unresolvable anxiety/anger/shame. One shades into the other easily and seamlessly, but one is always present.
And it hit me this morning that one way of reducing the perception of that anxiety is increasing the noise.
I have commented more than once that becoming a cop or soldier is an obvious choice for someone with ambient anxiety. Why? Those jobs justify the anxiety, then increase it, but then create a way OUT. If you find yourself in a dangerous situation, you can have prepared for it, and deal with it. Concrete steps can be taken.
I wanted to be both a cop and a soldier. Bad eyes prevented both.
But I want to draw an analogy with tinnitus. I have had tinnitus as long as I can remember. I don’t think about it, but I do take a gingko biloba supplement that I think helps a bit.
Most people like me–and I’ve had this conversation a number of times–sleep with some sound. The sound not only reduces the impact of the “bumps” in the night–nearly all homes shift a bit even in mild breezes, or temperature changes–but also covers up the tinnitus somewhat. You add a louder sound, and the quieter one is easier to ignore.
I think anger and violence are like this. They are ways of resolving ambient anxiety by adding more. It is paradoxical, but if you think about it, you have seen it in yourself, and seen it in others.
The guy with a chip on his shoulder is traumatized. His mother was probably crazy, and his dad abusive. He deals with his pain and fear only with difficulty. Getting in a fight is a simple way to make that ambient fear and pain disappear, perceptually, for a time.
And I think this basic process is at the root of ritual sacrifice. Rather than allow conflicts to break out in an unregulated way in a world where everyone is angry some of the time, you channel that energy, amplify it with ceremony, then discharge it in a violent act.
Even if I’ve said all this before, it feels different this time.