In this past week I have several times abstained from getting drunk when I ordinarily would have. I have allowed myself to eat a bit more than I ought to have–I am on a diet, in theory–to somewhat absorb that emotional energy.
And I have been using an odd tool, the “bed o’nails”, aka the Spoonk. This consists in a mat and pillow that have these plastic spikes on them, and no matter how they market it, these things HURT initially when you lie on them. It’s uncomfortable. There is no easy, pleasurable way to do it.
But I have found over time, sometimes, a deep relaxation does follow. They speculate that endorphins are released, as I recall.
Just as often, for me, I initiate the same shaking and involuntary verbalizations I get when I am sleeping. I had bought the thing because it supposedly helped with sleep, then stopped using it when I got the same problems. What would be the point of subjecting myself to this, when I get what I was going to get anyway?
I think a secondary aspect of this thing is it creates a low grade challenge to the fight or flight response. It asks it: are you going to fight this, or let it be? And over time, I think it MIGHT lead to less triggering. I do feel that when I have my “attacks”, they do end with a sense that some of that energy is draining out. I do feel that if I do it 40 minutes before bed–I like to do it while listening to a soundtrack of a thunderstorm–it helps with my sleep.
And I have also been doing my “free running” thing. I haven’t been to a bar in 2-3 weeks, when I was accustomed to stopping in somewhere 2-3 times a week. And what is happening is old feelings are coming up. I am seeing myself, now, and in the past, in a new light. I am realizing ways I have been stupid. Last night, I was mourning my lost marriage.
You know, as painful as divorces are, it is ASTONISHING they are so common. They are financially very difficult, and usually emotionally worse. They are hard on kids, hard on the adults. But at least 1 in 2 marriages ends that way. That number is much higher in some places. Is it really worth it?
In my own case, I needed space to explore what was hurting me, space I tried to negotiate within the marriage, but which in the end I could not. And that led to my advice to anyone I run into who is thinking about divorce: only leave if you would be happier alone. Do not leave thinking you will find someone else to “complete” you, even if that person is a current lover. It likely will not last. And you are not as young as you used to be, and you are going to be broke, if you are like most.
Be all that as it may, I am finding and seeing my own severe defects, at least some of them. Emotionally, I had my wings clipped early. I had my Achilles tendon cut. I was prevented from running or flying. And it has prevented a normal individuation.
My usefulness, to this point, to the extent it has existed, has consisted in a combination of hypervigilence and a high intelligence. I naturally seek out and look for problems and solutions. I am always scanning, always looking for the first iota of a problem, and this includes the abstract realm.
We, as the modern, industrialized West, have many, many problems. We have the threats of nuclear war and global epidemic, economic crashes, personal financial troubles, relationship problems, and anomie of modern life.
And we have addictions in all forms dangling in front of us continually, the most obvious of which is the internet, simply getting sucked in. I was contemplating yesterday I rarely read books any more. I am sucked into this damn keyboard. I listen to more books than I read, even though I have some fantastic books on my shelf.
Internet porn is just one category. News, just plain news, by which I mean the daily emotion of outrage and self righteousness which the sites which stay in business seek to evoke: this is addictive.
Food, in all forms: pizza, hot pockets, cold beer. TV shows, binge watching.
I return to this theme from time to time, but when we watch movies like Dances with Wolves, and the Last Samurai, what we are really dreaming of is a socially connected, non-addicted world; a world free of all the trivialities which daily drain our energy, suck out our brains, siphon off our souls.
I am trying to find a way through, for myself. I can’t say I have it figured out. I am posting here, after all. But perhaps in this meandering mess there is something useful to someone.