You know, my sex instinct remains quite healthy. I think I was gifted by God with abnormally high testosterone. I still have issues with acne sometimes. I add muscle easily. And if I don’t masturbate at least a few times a week, all those yoga pants in my gym are going to embarrass me. My god, it is like some of these women are fucking the floor in bikini bottoms. I miss the good old days when I had to imagine what women looked like under their clothes. Now, I think if I were brazen enough to stare long enough, I could probably tell if their vulva has a piercing.
Be all that as it may, I am thinking a bit more about this whole thing, now that I am reading this book on pornography. This is how most men use pornography. For my part, I have never understood watching it for hours. I don’t understand how people get addicted. I DO understand how you use it to accelerate things or make them a bit more enjoyable. I’ve done that many times.
But what I would like to suggest is that there is a great deal of pleasure and potential benefit in taking the long route. I apply this particularly to men. Women may already do this quite often.
Think of some women who interests you. Somebody you know in the bar, or a movie star, or even a friend. Ask her if she has any interest in you, in your mind. Ask her if she is OK with this whole thing. It’s an odd thing, but psychically–and for all I know, I may mean this literally–they will sometimes say no. I actually saw a meme posted by a SJW stating that “masturbating about a woman without her consent is rape.” Now, this is taking it much too far, in my opinion, but at the same time at a minimum, even if you do not believe in psi, you are consulting your unconscious. You are going to pattern a sexual memory (albeit a very weak one, in all likelihood, since I suspect most of “play the field” because why not?), and it will be faintly in your eyes the next time you see this woman, if she is someone you know. There should not be a grinding disconnect.
And then you go through the whole process of seduction. If your unconscious does not believe it is at least potentially possible–and women love sex, too, even if obviously they are not going to fuck everybody who has an interest in them–then it wont’ feel relaxed and natural, and this is what we are going for. I literally imagine putting on my clothes, cologne if it feels right, going on a date, having nice conversation, maybe dancing, then going home. I imagine detail by detail.
And notice in the flow if there are any areas where your imagination gets fuzzy, where everything goes hazy. I for example have never been a particularly good kisser. Whenever I decide to get into another relationship I will work on that. I also have trouble transitioning from that to what comes after. There is an emotional block here. In Feldenkrais terms, I am irreversible here.
The whole thing is supposed to be like a faint glow that gets brighter and brighter until reaching maximum intensity, then recedes, but which stays for a long time, longer if the man doesn’t fall asleep immediately.
What if, again in Feldenkrais terms, you were to transit from 1st base to 2nd base to 3rd base, then GO BACK, from 3rd base to 2nd base, to 1st base, to holding hands, without anybody reaching orgasm?
Would this be perverse? In the current world, I kind of think it would. It’s weird. I’ve never done it, but my sex has always been compulsive. I used to be able to get laid pretty often, because I was reasonably good looking, have always been a good talker when I was feeling good, and I wasn’t afraid to ask. Put another way, I wasn’t more afraid to ask, than to do anything else, from brushing my teeth to eating donuts. Everything scared me, so nothing did.
But sex is really the gift God gave us to relax deeply, and to develop deep emotional bonds with a limited number of other human beings. It seems to me that if you can do exercises to learn reversibility, then the whole thing, the Gestalt, becomes brighter and cleaner and better and more satisfying.
Be all that as it may, and I rarely pass a chance for digression (obviously), I myself of course normally complete the fantasy through orgasm. But then there I am, having just finished physically, but then I imagine what comes after. I lay there with my woman. We talk. We might take a shower. I imagine perhaps the next week. I look and see how she is feeling. I look carefully to feel the subtle and unique quality that is her. There is learning that can happen here. You see what has been invisible to you because you were not paying close attention.
Relationship-wise, I don’t want to commit to a long term lover unless she speaks my language, and exists intellectually comfortably in my world. Since I am a bit of a far-out cat, as they said at some point in the past century, finding that woman will be hard. But I think IF I can manage it, from an emotional intelligence perspective, I can find women who will make love to me and remain friends without it being too awkward. Where it makes both of us feel better on balance. But this is a tricky, tricky thing, and requires a lot of insight, and carefully chosen words and actions. I see this clearly. I have done this wrong before, and hurt women I actually felt affection for.
To close this thought, it is easy to think of variety in sex as differing shapes and sizes of boobs, beauty of faces, hair color, build, ethnicity, and of course what you do, in what order. You start and end in the middle, and the middle is entirely sex. Some porn videos now have men talking with women about the process of sex, but obviously none of this is really honest, and there is no seduction. There is an exchange of money, and a woman selling some small or large part of her dignity in exchange for whatever it is she wants to do with the money. That might appeal to men who are afraid to talk with women, but that has NEVER been me. I can talk to nearly anyone about nearly anything. I have many, many years of practice. I don’t even have trouble being honest. What I have trouble with is REMAINING honest, by which I mean I tend to disappear emotionally at a certain point. I dissociate. I have confused many women on this point, and that is why I have more or less locked myself up, like Singer’s Magician of Lublin. That is a good analogy, although I don’t plan to remain here forever.
But all in all, where porn dehumanizes all parties, including the (mostly, statistically) men watching it, alternatives are possible, and alternatives where you can learn about yourself, perhaps about women you know, and still reach the same end result, but in a much more realistic, emotionally healthy, and psychologically mature way.
I had meant to say more, but I can’t figure out how to say it!!! C’est ma vie.