What I am realizing this morning is that self hatred is what happens when an already-activated amygdala can’t find a target. The amygdala is intrinsically supposed to connect us to our environment. It provides fight when we need fight–and evolutionarily sometimes we did and still do. Most soldiers would die quickly without it.
It provides flight when we need flight. It fuels you as you run, at least enough for a sprint which, if it isn’t enough, likely wasn’t enough when we were being chased by animal or human predators.
And it provides shame, which helps us recognize when we have socially misstepped, and which might put us at odds with our tribe or family group. The expression of shame prevents or reduces the likelihood of aggression by others, particularly within our social grouping.
But when all these feelings are felt continually, as they are in victims/survivors of trauma, there need not be a target present. In those cases, that feeling has nowhere else to go, and attacks the person themselves. It attacks me. It manifests as self loathing.
What I am seeing is that the way to rid myself of at least the sharpness of that feeling is to direct my amygdalic energy at a target elsewhere. I need to find 1) someone to attack; 2) something to fear; or 3) someone to feel superior to.
I think 1 and 3 are pretty obvious, but 2 perhaps less so. Chronic worry about things “out there” is a way to deal with amygdalic activation, is a way of distracting from the fact that it won’t go away by rationalizing and justifying it. This is a comfort, in a strange way. It makes the feeling “rational” in a way, even though you are really just painting the reality over.
And I would like to propose a second Satanic three, as regards a post I made a few days ago: Rage, the need to conform, and hate. It is like a color wheel. The primary colors are Anger, Fear and Shame. Anger and Fear create rage, fear and shame create the need to conform, and shame and anger together form hatred.
If light can glisten and shimmer, imagine an inverted light, a darkness, doing the same. This is what happens with these feelings. They are all connected, but shift easily from one to the other, making them all a whole, which needs to be seen as a whole.
The solution for hate? Education–REAL education, to be clear–and Neurofeedback.