I think I just figured out what this means, or at least what I am going to decide it means for me.
As I continue to share, I continue to work on deep relaxation, which–to the extent any of us can bring it into our daily work amounts to peace of mind, or just peace–and one of the recurring reflexive reactions I keep getting is a burst of panic that going too deep will leave me helpless.
Most of us, particularly men, are primed for trouble. We are not necessarily looking for it–certainly most of us don’t want to cause it–but that readiness is there.
Here is the thing: to truly find peace in this world, you have to cede the first two steps to the other person. The first step is the offense, whatever it may be. But then you have to commit, to yourself, in advance, that you will give them the next offense too, without reacting.
Granting this in advance means you don’t have to plan your reaction. You don’t have to mentally rehearse various scenarios where you react from righteous anger.
And obviously there is a give and take between movies and reality, but perhaps the single most common scenario in American action films is the reluctant warrior, who doesn’t want to be violent, but is forced into by violent bad guys. This is pretty much every action movie ever, from Rambo to John Wick. As long as the setup is good, the “good guy” can be violent for at least 75% of the movie.
Turning the other cheek is saying “I would rather die than live every day with all those visions in my head.” All that tension is a death in itself; and of course most days everything is just fine, and if it isn’t, our tension and latent aggression will often have played a role. Not always, but most of the time it takes two to tango.
So ceding the first two steps is not full passivity. It is not saying that you will put up with anything for forever, but it is a gift you give YOURSELF that allows you to live with peace and dignity that you would otherwise be denying yourself.
I rarely say this–I’m not sure I’ve ever said this–but this is a very important insight. Ahimsa is not helplessness, but it is an openness that cannot be achieved any other way.