Psychoanalytically, I can see where it comes from. The details do not matter. But I will offer two points as a justification for this post:
1) Unless you have learned to relax absolutely and completely, to let your mind go silent, you likely have knots in you that are pushing you in directions you would not otherwise choose. In my view, the therapeutic value of Autogenics will become clear in the next ten years, if we survive.
2) I wonder if much of our modern culture does not exist to numb feelings of anxiety. Is it possible that Horror movies are so popular BECAUSE they desensitive people? Do we as a society have the emotional maturity to love properly and well in large numbers? Do our children not all too often feel alienated from an early age because of the pervasive selfishness surrounding us–which in many cases is manifested as excessive paternalism?
Few thoughts.
I will add that I have no idea who reads this blog. I assume I am on a CIA/NSA watch list, since they read everything. I know at least a few people follow me.
And what I have just posted is extremely personal. Somehow, though, it makes me feel better to share some things in public. I don’t know if it is a form of self absorption, or if sharing is a perfectly valid form of self therapy. I suppose the following feeling is the measure, and in this case I have obviously chosen to hit “post”.
Progress is being made.
2 replies on “Numbness”
When plumbing the depths while meditating, there are two things that I've found to be of tremendous help:
1. Not identifying with emotions – being able to step back and observe them while they are playing out (don't know if you've done any kind of "inquiry" meditation work, but that's what fosters this dis-identification); and
2. Separating emotions from thoughts:
It helps me when I hit my sorest spots during meditation, if I'm able to allow myself to feel the emotional energy* completely, without interjecting/overlaying it with thoughts – without interpreting it in any way whatsoever. Just leaning into the emotional energy, feeling it fully, and letting it finally pass through. This helps a lot.
*Because that's what emotions are, at their base: forms of energy. Once you've done enough energy work, you can begin to recognize this in yourself.
And, okay, a third thing: using breath as an anchor, as a grounding to reality when the going gets rough.
Powerlessness is the root biggie for me (like you, I was abused), and I deal with the attendant rage/shame issues during meditation, although the truly overwhelming stuff is becoming less common for me as I deal with it.
Separating huge emotional energies from thoughts (which may or may not be true – Byron Katie's good on this), is a useful exercise whether one is in meditation or not, actually…
Remember, these first emotional hits are the biggest. It truly gets better from here on.
Best to you. Hang in there.
Thank you. Yes, I am letting the emotions flow through me. I have been able to describe things intellectually for many years, but thoughts are hard, condensed, and what I have needed to do is melt through them, which I am gradually doing. I discovered just the other day that I have an enormous amount of primitive energy between my shoulder blades and in my upper spine. I have been working on releasing those areas, and it brought up a swell of terror that I think dates back to my infancy. I just sort of watch it flow through me, but at times it literally feels like I'm spinning. I can only take it in small doses, but I keep going back, and I do expect it to subside. It's a bit like a container that only holds so much.
I have actually been much more relaxed today than I normally am.
Again, though, thanks for the advice and thoughts!!!