Actually I feel quite good. I am making progress. I have found an absurdly simple means of processing anxiety, at least for me (more on that in a bit), and more importantly have reached (or perhaps re-reached, given my penchant both for meandering and forgetting) some important realization.
1. Fear is the portal both to anger and sadness. Anger is an overreaction to fear–the fear of being hurt, of being disrespected, of being attacked; and sadness is a reaction of helplessness to fear: fear of change (the unknown), of being hurt.
Think about the process of mourning. This is really a quite important point. Mourning is a process not of leaving something behind–it is gone. Rather, it is a process of recreating yourself in a positive way, given changed circumstances. We feel sadness because we don’t know how to do this, if we can do this.
Consider losing someone you love. Where that person consoled you, now you have to console yourself.
Where that person gave you wisdom, or a shoulder to cry on, or encouragement, now you have to provide all that yourself.
There is no LOGICAL reason why you need other people at all. But we are social animals. We are filled with instincts and affections. If we have not trained ourselves to be self sufficient emotionally–and I do believe this can be done–then we are afraid of what the future holds when something is changed in our lives.
Or take anger. Anger gives you energy and a feeling of power. But it is reckless. Angry, are you stronger than you could be if you had learned to marshal all your physical power? Faster? No. You have simply created a swell of energy that is so strong that it overwhelms your fear. Angry people are fearful people. This is the conclusion I have reached, and this after losing my temper repeatedly yesterday for stupid reasons. I just watched myself, and realized I was seeing my father’s cowardice in me, which is an emergent perception that was quite important.
2. If you are going to rebuild yourself, you must accept that there are times you won’t exist. Does personality “exist”? No: who I am varies in subtle but real ways constantly, throughout every day. I have a body to tie it all together, but even that body is in a state of constant flux, and the material in every cell of the body is replaced periodically.
To go through a process of change, you cannot fully manage it. Faith must be present, that the energies you have liberated will act in intelligent ways. This is the so Internal Healer posited in Autogenics, Holotropic Breathwork, and presumably other disciplines.
My new system:
Do this thoracic mobilization: http://www.t-nation.com/free_online_article/most_recent/the_30_second_mobility_cure
Then lay down on the ground, link your hands behind your neck, and stretch out your upper back. If this is a place where you carry tension–and this is certainly not going to be true for all people, but I suspect will hold for quite a number, particularly those who self-identify as troubled–you will feel a shower of anxiety. Now, obviously don’t overstretch. This is a stretch where you could hurt yourself, so be gentle. Lean into this anxiety. Realize it won’t kill you. Hug your dog or S.O. if you need to afterwards.
Then (and you may want to wait until you have one, if you are going to follow my advice), pull out your EmWave2 and stick with it on the Medium level until you have 80-90% coherence.
You should spend some time on their website, and read some of their research. It is quite interesting. I am realizing how my heart really IS a separate “mind” from my brain. It is a much more congenial place to locate my consciousness.
I am up to a number of other things I won’t get into here, but this seems like a good system.
Need to run. I hope this is useful for someone.