What does it mean to accept yourself? Does it not mean to stop attacking yourself? And why do we attack ourselves? Is it not a relic of operant conditioning, in which we are (sometimes) rewarded for good behavior, but always punished for bad behavior? You associate pain with failure, with failing to meet some standard.
And to associate, I feel strongly, is to ANTICIPATE. I think we fear sudden violence more than expected violence, so some part of us generates it before the world can. We attack ourselves before anyone else can. And in what does an “attack” consist? In the spontaneous generation of exactly the psychological and physiological states that would have attended an actual attack. But the whole thing happens inside your skin. Unless they are attentive, other people may miss it completely, depending on the severity of the thing.
And the particularly pernicious thing about this dynamic–which I think among other things is clearly a factor in chronic guilt and anxiety–is that reality testing only enters the picture if careful self examination is done.
And I think a lot of efforts at personal growth are affected by the fact that you can’t ever be perfect, which means that there is never an end to guilt, until there is an end to guilt.
In my considered view, the first step therefore is to achieve deep relaxation, which implies at least a temporary cessation of attacks. And I think the sense of being relaxed, unattacked, unguilty, needs to be expanded, and the sense of chronic guilt released fully.
To grow, in a sustainable and organic way, you must give up the idea that you need to grow. This may seem intellectually contradictory, but it isn’t, even on the intellectual level. You must accept yourself, exactly as you are, knowing damn well that you skipped the workout, ate two bars of chocolate, and still need to send those damn letters.
The self that sabotaged you will ALWAYS sabotage you, in perhaps increasingly clever ways, until you accept it.
And I think we are so used to the notion that a sense of duty (guilt) should compel us to grow that many will feel that I am advocating stasis. No, of course not. You know what drives organic, sustained, qualitatively deep and rich growth? Curiosity. Exploration. A light and interested and open connection with life.
I am getting close, I think, to a reasonably comprehensive worldview and personal psychology. I should add that pain, of course, can also drive people. But it rarely makes anyone smarter. To find a way out of the rat’s maze, you need to stop and wait for the doors to open, and the signs to light up for you. And you need to be looking for them, and you need to follow them.