To grow qualitatively, to reach the next valence shell, you have to cease to exist. “You” disappears, and a new “you” appears. Most people cannot deal with this. That is why they get stuck. There is nothing in the middle. You have to accept this nothing.
Specifically, what I see is that my identity is closely tied to conflict. Certainly, I have often sought out conflict with other people, but what I most have in mind is this sense of internal conflict. In my particular case, although I think this is likely common, I self sabotage because to do otherwise would force me into a confrontation with this Void, with a non-self.
When I make plans, my pattern is to disrupt them. That is what my family did. But I see that even within my own internal psycho-ecology, if I might coin a term new to me at least, what self disruption serves to do is prevent the emergence of smooth waters which would show me “I” don’t exist.
Within my Kum Nye practice, they say one of the common effects of falling into a very deep, profound relaxing state is for some part of our self to activate and throw out a surge of thinking, to fill the deep empty spaces with SOMETHING. The task, of course, is to persevere.
When you are doing qualitative work with your self, you can only grow as far as the number of times you are willing to die, and how much you are willing to die.
But here is the thing: “you” were never there to begin with. “You” are a habit, an abstraction. This is my understanding of what the Buddha taught.
The value of learning to connect with feeling and sensation, which is the practice of Kum Nye, is that something is still there where “you” cease to exist, and if your mind can accept this continuity it can let go. If it lets go, you can accomplish much.
It is not uncommon for me to feel traces of something much larger. I suppose this is mystical in a way. None of it can be spoken. But it is all very interesting. And open to all.