Everything which is created is destroyed. Logically, this means that in the arising of an ego, of a fixed sense of self, the destruction of that self appears as well, which manifests as a demon. Some part of us KNOWS that death awaits: not physical death alone, but the death of that clinging form.
Some part of me wants to kill me and some part fights to save me. One part exists in light, and one part wants to hide, to shelter itself deep, deep underground. Which is which?
I feel there was something close to a psychosis in me. I have survived many years with very little love, virtually no effective parenting–my father is not a father, my mother hurts me, and I have found no lasting substitutes–and a very blurred sense of self. All of these have caused me to look deep within myself, to find what tools I DO have, what I COULD rely on. Emotionally, I have had grievous wounds all over my body, but I am not dead.
And I have found, and determined to rely on, Kum Nye, and it is helping. All my life I have had dreams where some force was trying to hurt me. I have fought it. I have hidden from it. But last night some infinite intelligence awoke which is simply so much smarter than this force that it is neutralized. I am safe wherever I am. It is not my intelligence, but a universal intelligence, something which can operate without my conscious knowledge, and certainly without my control.
And I think of the goal of Kum Nye. sKu is Space. It gets translated as presence or even “self”, but the end goal is to make contact with what I in my own terms would call the Zero Point Field. The Buddhists simply call it space, but what they intend is an infinite energy source where every part of it is in the center, which is characterized by a very pleasant and revitalizing sense of melting and merging, of joy and release and true freedom. This is mNye, which gets translated as massage, and it is in the beginning literally that, but then it is “massaging” the subtle energies of the body, and finally it is a felt and embodied movement of space within space, of your presence within the presence of the universe.
The goal of the mind is to exist, and to solve problems. The ego in Sanskrit is “I-Maker”, ahamkara. The mind is not needed for happiness. It is a commonplace in various spiritual practices to denigrate the mind, but it really is the abode of the demons. The demons are perhaps sent from all the energy centers, but I think most of all from that part of you which is most self aware of its own self awareness, conscious of its mortality and contingency, and most eager to prevent any and all decisive change.
Progress is being made. That phrase is a massage of a sort, in itself.