And here is the interesting part (I may have posted on this before, but it seems reasonable to assume that if I can’t remember everything I post, nobody can remember everything I’ve written): when asked “why did you scratch your nose?”, people will come up with reasons. They will say it itched, or that it felt right.
What they will not do, normally, is say “I don’t know”. I don’t know is a very structurally significant informational operator. It gives you the space to evaluate. It can cause you to look for information which at the moment is hidden.
This basic dynamic–this STORY, to be clear–was a watershed moment of sorts for me. As I know I have written, some wise man (or woman) once wrote that most people have two reasons for doing things: the one they offer, and the real one.
And what is worth underscoring is that the real one may not be apparent even to them. It may never become apparent in this life. It will operate as an invisible planet with gravitational force, but which always intrudes in ways which cannot be understood, and which appear random.
That will suffice for now. More Harvey Wallbangers tonight. Why? Well, I can guess, but I would be lying if I said I FULLY understand what lies between me and reducing the intake of calories from alcohol, and between me and a night without lots of unpleasantness.
I understand the need to walk into hell, but I wish hell would stop walking into me. I’ll get this thing done. It will just take time. I am the opposite of fragile: I get stronger the more life fucks with me.