Particularly when you try hard to consciously focus on the most obvious, most socially acceptable one, the second one becomes vastly more damaging, because it becomes a virtual hypnotic suggestion that you deserve such treatment. To combat it effectively, you have to ignore the socially acceptable parts of the communication, and focus on the damaging signal, because in reality it IS the primary one. It comes from the root of that person’s consciousness.
To the extent all these notions of unconscious racism have validity, this is the source. At the same time, you do not change how people REALLY think by forcing them to avoid certain words, or to avoid expressing certain thoughts. The feelings remain, and will always find an out. As with feminism as well, the best offense is generalized success. If blacks want to eliminate racism, they need to start graduating from high school at the same rate as the kids in the suburbs, working as hard as those kids, and taking responsibility for their families. They need to stop blaming the world, and need to stop looking to leaders who encourage them to do so.
These are not things you are supposed to say, but it is the truth. It may be that vigorously policing peoples expressed ideas eliminates or reduces psychological discomfort among blacks–I’m sure it does–but it does not raise the standard of living, make the streets safer, make the schools better, or increase the number of good quality jobs. It doesn’t.
Returning to my main theme, I would in fact suggest that there is a covert hostility–or at least actual racism–inherent in the ideas that whites need to “look out for” blacks, that they depend in inherent ways on the political system, and that they need to be guided through life like little children. These ideas–particularly since they are not expressed in clear language–weaken them. If the Irish, Jews or Italians had had friends like the modern Democrats, they too would still be impoverished in disproportionate numbers.
And in dealing with narcissists, the double communication is the main source of damage. In order to delay the realization that they are radically alone and incapable of honest human contact, the narcissist–particularly in “romantic” relationships–will often offer to the other the same esteem in which they hold themselves. This appears to be generosity, but it is simply a cloaking device, a concealment, a trick they don’t even mean to play. With most, I don’t even think it is conscious. It is simply who they are. They have a behavioral soundtrack that they play through, then reset at the beginning with the next one.
Grandiosity, though, betrays an inner lack. Conversely, GENUINE humility–which is rare–indicates an inner fullness and richness of experience. You don’t need to always be right, because the world is a fascinating, large place, and there is much you don’t know.
All of this, of course, is personally relevant to me. My work continues, as does success.