I was dreaming of a bridge where people went to kill themselves, and some part of me decided to jump off. Some other part of me was left to wonder, with my ex-wife, what happened, to process the unfathomable.
We say, sometimes, “why did they do it?”. But I think we all know, at some level. Many of us, at any rate. There are some sufferings which seem to skip over the more fortunate (perhaps the braver, or more clever) among us, but they land all the more powerfully among those of us left.
Denial is a form of suicide. Dissociation is a form of suicide. Chronic anger is a form of suicide. Chronic depression is a form of suicide. You are killing a life within you which was possible, but which cannot now be, which you don’t or won’t allow.
I have been contemplating in recent months the similarities of the Buddhist and Christian messages. The Buddha might well have said “I am come that you might have life, and have it more abundantly.” Christ might have said “your life, however wonderful you think it is, is suffering, and I will show you a better way.”
Both had a human and a divine nature. For the Buddha, it was called Buddha nature.
For me, it is almost like traveling backwards in time psychologically. I am seeing what I had to pay as a cost of psychic survival, what I had to lose, to sacrifice. One was my marriage, which I never talk about.
But to be clear, all this is to the good. Good things are happening for me. I feel better and better every day. I still have some hellish nights, but they are getting fewer and farther between. The combination of Kum Nye and Neurofeedback is working well.
I am realizing that I am extraordinarily emotionally perceptive. I see and feel everything, to a fine degree of detail. And what I am realizing is that to LIVE requires, particularly of the sensitive, the ability to process and digest experience. You can only see, can only feel, what your unconscious–your guardian–feels you can handle. Most people can handle very little, and thus see very little.
One quote I saw somewhere the other day went something like “Most of us are born geniuses, but it is quickly trained out of most of us.”
My work continues