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Insight

I think I have figured out why I have so much trouble forming new, more healthy, habits, despite a reasonably strong will.  More generally, I think I know one reason why life seems so hard to people with PTSD.

As a reward hormone, as a “the world is right at the moment” hormone, dopamine is secreted when the person is within a relatively normal hormonal state.  However, chronic hypervigilence, chronic amygdalic arousal, chronic stress, prevent the normal operation of this system which allows people to become behaviorally and socially nested in a conscious and affirmative, healthy way.

If everything is frightening, then the very hormones which would and should calm you down are not secreted.  Given how much of life SHOULD be habit–what I have called acquired instinct–this requires continual exercise of renewed judgement and will power.  When you should be able to go on autopilot, you can’t. 

In my own case, cooking frightens me.  How is this even possible?  I don’t really know, other than all things which work to empower me seem to have been beaten out of me at an early age, making all positive things things which frighten me.

But, again, SEEING THIS amounts to a beginning of a cure.  What do I do?  I consciously connect with my emotions when I am doing something I want to make a habit.  I allow myself to feel good, to engage in positive self talk and reassurance, and in general to remain emotionally present.  It takes a little more time to do it this way than to force myself to do x, y, or z, but it is untangling a thread I want to make long and strong.