Here is the core truth: I can accept it or reject it, but this fact of who and how I am is, in this life at least, immutable. It is what it is, and will never, ever be anything else. I have a nature I can embrace or reject, but it is like the blue sky above and earth below us.
I can put the picture of a person in my head, focus on them, and start to feel what is going on in them. Everyone cannot but be honest in their person. No one can truly hide themselves. I feel when people are hiding things, and I can often make what I suspect are very accurate guesses about what it is they are hiding. At some level, it is always pain of some sort, and the reaction to pain, which might be cruelty, or might be a feeling of inferiority, or helplessness. All three, not uncommonly, all mixed together.
But the logical conclusion to be drawn from all this is that my world is not my own. I cannot control what comes and goes. I am a SEEING fish, aware of all the currents, all the creatures and their natures around me. I can put a bag over my head, but I will still hear everything.
So who I am, if I can neither control fully what I myself feel, or control what comes and goes into and out of my house?
This makes “I” an unstable formation, does it not? But is not the stable “I” an illusion for all of us? Are we not merely in the habit of being who we “are”? I would be someone else if I lost my leg tomorrow, at least in some ways, or if I sustained a major brain injury. This contemplation is a sort of death, an egocide.
But I feel if I embrace the rhythms of my nature, and of the world, there is a sort of release. Energy comes and energy goes, people come and people go, but something of me also still remains. This is the important part. It is a big mystery, but it, also, seems to be a fact. This is life, living, within that death.
This sense of ocean currents is strong within me. I feel streams of energy flowing through the world. I have not begun to tap my deepest perceptual capacities because I have not known how to integrate it. But I feel that the integration happens in the forward movement, in the accepting of the knowing.
I am slowly healing. There is a time to push, and a time to cease from pushing. There is a time to lie in wait, and see what comes along, and sometimes there is a time to make music with it, to make love with it, to dance with it, and in so doing become more whole.
We are all giants. But it takes so very long to remember.
I don’t know if all this makes any sense. I am musing out loud. Perhaps it will do some good for somebody. Perhaps it will do some good for me. Much of the most important work happens in the dark. We do get periodic progress reports, though!!!