It is hard to get to, and very hard to live in if you have primitive trauma.
I was sitting in the sauna last night pondering that the sum total of my work since I was in my late teens has not changed me in any truly substantive way. All the words I’ve spilled here. My other website, all my studies: they mean little.
What I have done is plant gardens outside my cave. There are pretty pathways, and fountains, and ponds, and flowers, and all sorts of interesting geometric patterns, accompanied by pleasant music and beautiful animals.
But little has TRULY changed in the middle. This is a hard work that most people who are not me find some good reason to avoid. Going in there is like getting beaten with a baseball bat, and taking it until you are strong enough to break the bat. This is my own reality, in any event. I don’t think most people are as damaged as me, although it’s hard to know. People like me can and do put on happy faces, and learn to act like everyone else.
This is my life’s work, though. If you my life has a purpose, this is it: finding a way out. If I can rescue myself, I can help others at an existential level. But there has to be honesty. I cannot declare this work done prematurely as, for example, nearly all psychotherapists do.
Thinking about it, they ought to lock anyone who wants to be a healer up in a cave for a month, to see if they can truly hack living with whats inside them. As it is, damaged people are providing therapy to other damaged people, and–finding they are no more crazy than themselves–declaring them fit to be “Professionals” in Mental Health.
I hate this world sometimes. I hate myself. I hate my mother. I hate the pain which was stupidly and completely unnecessarily inflicted on me. The thoughtlessness, the carelessness, the callousness, the idiocy.
Oh, I will get by. I always do. This time, I do think I have reached the bottom of my experience. I have exposed the entrance to my cave and gone in. Direct progress is now possible.
Pray for me if you are so inclined. I will fight through this and prevail, or die trying.
Now go watch a puppy video. I’m serious. That sort of thing is not without merit.