But if you need love, one, and that love must start with you, two, then the only way forward is be kind. Personally, I strongly dislike the ethos of kindness as a morality, at least when disconnected with wisdom. I have written about this.
But purely selfishly, purely in order to get what I want from other people, I need to drop my knife, and become someone I can love, because I am loving.
I know who I am. I know the thoughts that float through my brain. I see the anger, and resentment, and the wickedness and silliness and vanity and all the rest.
Purely in order to get what I want–open loving connection–I need to become a better person. I cannot trust anyone else until I trust myself, until I am the sort of person I am looking for.
Nobody will save you. You may find people whose own emotional dysfunctions cause them to try, but in all, or nearly all, cases that will be in the pursuit of their own avoidance of their own issues. So you are being “saved” by someone who also needs saving. That is the blind leading the blind.
So I am going to try and turn over a new leaf. I am going to be nice to that guy at Home Depot who always tries too hard to be friendly, and who I normally scowl at. I am going to walk more slowly, and fuck the people who think they need me to be running everywhere all the time. I am the sort of person worth treating with respect and consideration. I will offer it to myself, and to the extent I can, without losing large clients, demand it from others.
It is scary and overwhelming that it all starts with us. I don’t think most people feel equal to the task of running their own lives, of living consciously and purposively, and I definitely don’t think people who do not have an internalized role model and example feel any confidence at all. We sometimes pretend we are confident, but how can we be? It’s all a leap of faith.
Mustard seeds, my friend, mustard seeds.