Month: February 2019

I’ve been having chaotic dreams lately.  Last night I dreamed I was in one of the Apollo capsules, hurtling towards Earth, confined, filled with vertigo, and terribly grateful land on Earth and lean on a fence post to recover.  Yes, I know they did not land on the Earth.  It was a dream.

Or in halls filled with zombies.  They kept turning me into a zombie, and I kept turning back.  Crowds and chaos everywhere.

Vivid dreams.  Through my work, I am slowly descending from 30,000 feet into the stormy clouds below.  This is painful–I feel like I am on a rack sometimes, being stretched in horrible and grotesque ways–but it is progress.

For me, although I think many are this way, trauma always feel like I want to rest, to sleep, to get past the overtiredness, but sleep never does the trick.  The tension, and the fatigue the continual hyperarousal creates, never goes away.  I want to nap for ten years, but ten years would not suffice.  I would wake up the same.  A lifetime would not suffice.

What I am doing now, I am sometimes sleeping 12 hours, but waking up feeling that through the fight something has diminished, and this is good.

And to be clear, I am not even remotely depressed.  I am working directly on my brain, and it is yielding new, better patterns.

This is the term the Warmists would use, if they were not trying to hide the failures of their predictions by making ordinary weather always an indicator they are right: hot, cold, unusually mild: all smoking guns that we need a world government, and absolutist control over energy production and much private consumption.

I wanted to comment briefly on “Forgiving Dr. Mengele”.  Eva Kor, I believe her name was, said repeatedly that her main goal was to release not her memory of the events in her mind, but in her body, and her emotions.  Well, she didn’t say it quite like that, but that was my reading into it.  She wanted to seize power, to control who she was and how she felt every day.

And she was contrasted explicitly with other women who went through what she did, and who seemingly felt the lifelong misery they were enduring to be a form of faithfulness to the memory of those who were lost.

In my own view, this goes deeper, to a sense of a need to be faithful to who you have become, to who you “are”, and if that person suffers daily from traumatic memories, from chronic and spasmodic terrors, from wincing in remembrance, from nightmares, and hypervigilence, then continuity requires us to hold on to those things.

There is fear.  This is a normal and healthy thing.  It keeps us safe.  It tells us something isn’t right, or that an unusual degree of care and attention is needed.

Then there is the fear of fear, which for the traumatized is a quick falling off a cliff into a repetition of a sense of utter horror and helplessness.  Small fears set off the whole cascade.  You get triggered, and rightfully fear getting triggered, so you become smaller as a human being.  You avoid anything which might  set off the chain reaction.

[I will note that as someone who has a lot of trauma in him, I get the fear of being triggered.  But I do not try and pretend that the world owes me a duty, or that I can live anything even approximating a good life when I attach my own mental health to the compliance of others, who for their part are very likely to be codependent enablers, and thus people who benefit psychologically from my dysfunction, fear and pain.  Fuck those people.  I got this.]

Then finally there is the fear of the LOSS of fear, of a moment when you realize that something that just happened would have triggered you in the past, but now doesn’t.  That you are “healed”, or at least non-symptomatic, and this feels unfamiliar and strange.

Sebern Fisher talks about this a fair amount in her book.  Patients lose the sense of who they are, when they no longer live with chronic fear as a constant companion (which strangely enough, is the correct word).  For this reason, she never tries for too much change, too rapidly.  But that is a fantastic thing, is it not, when too-rapid change is a real risk, particularly when compared to the more general theme that certain traumas really can’t be healed, but merely managed?

I of course can’t speak to the experiences not just of the Holocaust, but in some respects the worst part of it (although the children were apparently fed better in better housing, when some poison or disease was not being injected into them by a psychopath), but I can’t help but feeling 1) that the dead family members would vastly prefer healing and relative forgetting; and 2) that the deeper fear is the Void, of losing all relative bearing, of not knowing any more who one is.

When you think about it, is it not ODD that a religion from 3,000 years ago, that originated in a specific land, and was oriented around specific places, would endure thousands of miles away from its home, in lands of radically different nature?  Obviously, Judaism gives something to its followers that is more powerful than the price they have always paid for being different.  It gives them a clear sense of self, and a powerful means of organizing their lives.  It is a powerful tool for dealing with existential angst, the confusion of life, and the pain of life.

As a tool, though, religion–all religions–can also be constraints and cages.  The Self is larger than any religion.  The Buddhists of course speak of Anatman, or Anatta, but what they really mean is that what we call our self is really a bit ridiculous.  We have understood nothing.  That, in any event, is my belief.

This Eva, I think, intuited much of this.  She said “I am willing to be the person who walks outside the gate, and I am going to call this process forgiveness.  You call it what you want.  It’s my business, not yours, my life, not yours, and I am simply trying to point out this is an option.  Beyond that, stop the talking, I have a house to sell.”

My two cents.

Today I am not going to try and excel.  I don’t normally, I don’t think, but today I am going to try to find my middle.  Healthy excellence comes from the middle, eventually.  This I believe.

I also believe many of our heroes are compulsive, and not in control of their own lives.  To be human is precisely to differ from a machine.  We were not meant to be great, but to be healthy and happy.  Greatness may from time to time be needed, but should never be sought.

These are my words, for this moment, on this day.

Just watched two documentaries back to back on the Nazis: “Forgiving Dr. Mengele”, and “Architecture of Doom”.  I am not feeling wordy lately, but did want to make one comment.

Superficially, there is a resemblance between the complaints of the Nazis and contemporary conservatives that “culture” is under attack, that the nation is becoming decadent.

Similarly, there is a superficial resemblance between the glorification of Nation by the Nazis and contemporary conservatives.

But these similarities exists at the level of words only.  They “exist”, to the extent they exist, only in the minds capable of classing, as one example, the mass execution of political criminals by the Cheka as similar in kind, as a form of “justice”, to that of asking a jury of someone’s peers to reach a fair and appropriate verdict.  Both can be called justice, but only one represents, for the sane, anything of the sort.

The Nazis placed no value on human life.  Early on, they started gassing, with carbon monoxide or possibly carbon dioxide, children with birth defects, the insane and the feeble.  Why?  Such people did not serve their aims.

Americans, in contrast, historically, place value on all human life, or try to.  Margaret Sanger was absolutely connected ideologically, in harmony with, the culture of the Nazis which saw some humans as inferior.  This is the “culture” the Nazis were extolling.  This was the concrete content.

Thus, when she says “We don’t want the word to go out that we want to exterminate the Negro population.”, her aim and ideal are absolutely culturally connected to Nazi notions of culture, but not traditional American, traditional Christian, notions of culture.


The “culture” which conservatives want to protect is not a fixed set of idea, but a fixed set of ideals, such as the notions of genuine tolerance, the willingness to listen, civic mindedness in the sense of being willing always to lend a helping hand where needed, a passion for the impartial application of the law, and the notion that everyone deserves a fighting chance in life.  


These are American ideals.  This IS our culture.  This is what conservatives want to defend.  This is what we see when we see the flag.  This is what we see when we say America is great.  None of us are claiming America is perfect, but few of us are so stupid that we do not see that the aim of the left wing propagandists is to damage our healthy self respect and self esteem in such a way that we can be weakened, perhaps to the point of collapse, or perhaps to the point of granting power to lunatics who share none of these ideals.


When we say culture, we mean things like “listen before you speak”, “tell the truth”, “give everyone a chance”, as well as “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”, and “you can’t make a good deal with a bad person”.  Common sense, tempered with a genuinely humanitarian spirit.  Goodness.  These obviously are not our omnipresent realities, but long have been our very widely dispersed ideals, which a great many of us have long attempted to live up to.  It is our very willingness to assume responsibility which has been ABUSED by propagandists to push many of us far too far into self loathing, into lies about our history and that of the world, and into idiotic, anti-humanitarian, devastating, and horrifying political idea.


It’s all very confusing to me how so many smart people can be so fucking stupid.  Can remain stupid, across lifetimes, across careers, across countless pieces of countervailing evidence which at every juncture should have sufficed.


I am proud of our culture.  Unlike the Left, I do not believe people should be judged as groups.  I do not believe that human life is unimportant.  I believe everyone should receive fairness and justice, and that sometimes fairness and justice to all of us shows people getting kicked in their asses, kicked out of this country, jailed, and perhaps in some cases executed, although I am no hawk on capital punishment.  I believe fairness and justice sometimes means war, although in recent years I think most of the wars we have fought have been instigated by power elites for money and power.


I do not understand the feebleness of mind which animates so much of the Left.  My on-going hypothesis is that most of them are animated by extraordinary levels of fear, and highly unstable personalities.  By the sorts of traits, in other words, custom made for Nazism and its many cousins.


Americans, acting as traditional Americans, are absolutely immune to authoritarianism.  Our culture makes inroads impossible.  It is for this reason that our culture is under attack by those who would subvert our system and our liberty.  


But it is precisely the culture of our opponents which is filled with death, disease, vanity, mental illness, and horror.  This has become very, very easy to see in recent years, although it has long been clear to those with eyes.


What do I want?  Honest debate.  MORE free speech.  Less intrusive government.  That anyone old enough to have completed grade school could confuse this with Nazism is a testament to the naivete which remains possible in our system because it works so well.  We have children everywhere parading around in 30-40-50-60-70 year old bodies.  It is pathetic.  Ludicrous.  Something which should be impossible.


I will comment finally that I found Hitler’s obsession with Karl May interesting.  May wrote books about people’s and places he had never visited, about whom he knew nothing but what he read.  Hitler took this to mean that you could know everything you needed to know about a people simply by using your imagination.


If one looks to the Left, and its relationship with Trump presently, you see an embodiment of this particular (and inexcusable, in an educated person) delusion.  They don’t need to talk to Trump supporters.  They don’t need to watch his speeches.  They don’t need this antiquated artifact “evidence”.  He is what they insist he is, because that is how they have imagined him.  They are walking in Hitler’s bootsteps in their determined ignorance and bigotry.  That is literally how bad it is.  Again, I can’t but shake my head at the mindboggling stupidity of this, particularly as mouthed in naked lies about tolerance, openness, and compassion.

I continue to be visited from time to time by demons, or in any event, bundles of chaotic and angry energy that all have distinct qualitative feels.  None has ever felt like any other.  They have “personalities”.

The one last night made me happy, because whatever it was, I had somehow managed to severely piss it off.  My feeling is that if I can make a malignant force angry, then it can only because I have helped deny it something it wanted.  I got up with a smile on my face, woke up enough to get a fresh start, then went back into a deep sleep which had no visitations I can remember.

I woke up this morning thinking my life is a large atelier, or workshop, where I have many, many projects in continuous process.  I want to reform our economic system, and the basics have long been on my website here.  That is in one corner.  I want to master Neurofeedback.  I want to continue to learn about basic Physics. I want to found a church.  Etc.

And I want to learn how to deal with demons. Here is the thing, as I see it: they cannot get to you but through fear.  If you see them, you have fear in you, cracks through which they can crawl.  They resonate with aspects of your personality or, to switch back to me, with aspects of my personality.  I accept responsibility for letting them in.  I continue to feel moments of anger and rage and hostility to the world. I feel sorry for myself, and resentful. I feel sadness and loss and grief.  All of these are pathways.

My sense is that demons feed on all that is bad, and they do their best to influence us.  They have no direct power.  When I am feeling good, and I encounter one in my sleep, I just spread my arms and say “Do your best, you piece of shit”, and of course, they have nothing.  Their power is in the dark, and particularly when you can’t see them.  When they can be seen, there is nothing they can do.  I was wondering this morning if they don’t do their best to latch onto all of us like ticks, and hide where they can’t be seen.  It’s an unpleasant image, but it underscores the importance of inner work.

This is the importance of shining a bright light into everything in your life, into all aspects of who you are.  This is really what meditation is, or should be for most, at least for a long time: focused introspection.  Kum Nye is a fantastic process, since the “hiding” happens in our bodies, in areas which are lost to our attention, in “hypomovement” somewhere.

You cannot conquer demons any more than you can “conquer” yourself.  Think about it: does the image of one part of yourself standing in triumph over the prostrate body of some other part of yourself make any sense?  Both parts exist for specific reasons.  Both parts amount to knots through which light and awareness cannot flow.

I am tempted to say, in fact, that declaring “victory” over some part of yourself is the most reliable path to evil, with the victory in most cases most likely being that of the Will over the feeling of helplessness. I think much evil has to do with the absolute and categorical rejection of helplessness at all costs, with the normal logical concomitant being the pursuit of power, of never having to apologize, and never having to bow, again.  The bows and the apologies, of course–and in most cases the abject humiliation and terror–never really go away, and killing them again daily costs that person, in the end, their sanity, and their humanity.

I think the “cure” to demons is a love greater than fear.  I don’t understand love very well at all, but this seems logical to me.  This is the essence, as I understand it, of the Tibetan practice of “Chod”.

In any event, sadhus in India live in cremation grounds to confront demons.  I am being much more efficient and having them come to me!!!

My life is not easy, but it is never dull.  Every day I feel like a river is flowing through me. I wish I had more visitors to my workshop, where I could show off all my toys and baubles, the things which make me happy, but that time will come, in this life or the next.

is they are only passively stupid. They are never right about anything, but they are also never aggressively wrong. This is why a box of rocks is functionally more intelligent than the barmaid from Nee York.

Do the math: 25,000 jobs times a likely $50,000/year or more average income (wages would need to be higher in New York, and Amazon no doubt knew this), and you get $1.25 BILLION injected into the local economy, year after year after year,  All those people rent or buy houses. They buy cars. They go out to eat. They pay local and State taxes.

I have argued, and continue to believe, that the corpotmrate tax rate should be ZERO. Why? Because they are being double taxed.  They pay taxes as s corporation, then again as individuals. Once is enough. The healthier corporations are, the easier it is to be in business and do business, the more jobs and the more prosperity.

This is simple, and should be well beyond the need for explanation.

That is the other thing about boxes of rocks: they don’t pretend to listen.

https://youtu.be/8A3h6ZTeH0c

This is an HONEST treatment of the event at the Lincoln Monument that facilitated so much lying and naked racism by the clowns, cynics and assholes of our media.

I continue to fail to see why AMYONE believes what most of them are saying.

Will the media retract anything, do any soul searching, or learn from this in any way?  Does the Pope shit in the woods? Do bears conduct Papal masses?

YOU, and ONLY you, must do the learning. Let the people pushing lies atrophy, diminish and eventually disappear because they can’t make money from non-existent viewership.

1. In what respects, and how, is it true that the Buddhist ideal is divine apathy-/not really caring anymore about anything in this world or the next—and in what respects, if any, does this miss the point?

2. In what respects would it be more accurate to say the goal is not decreased attachment, but INCREASED, but flexible attachment, such that everything you do every day is the Main Event, and there is never anywhere else you would rather be?

3. How are these two questions related?

Discuss amongst yourselves. This might include the selves floating around within you, as a dividual individual.

Someone who doesn’t care at all about anyone but his or herself, who nonetheless firmly believes everyone else should be compelled to care about whatever allegedly marginalized group is most politically useful to them at the moment.

That they don’t actually care is shown clearly by their unwillingness to ask honestly “what happened?” every time they fail. That they think we should be compelled to care is shown daily in their rhetoric, which changes the target of coerced “compassion” regularly, but never the drumbeat of moral hauteur, arrogance, derision, and social violence.

If we are not like them, we are bad, they say, when the truth is that if we ARE like them, we have announced a surrender of our conscience to the pursuit of power, money, wealth, and privilege, all in the false name of justice.

It really is a disgusting mindset. There is nothing there but arrogance, lies, and failure.