Month: October 2018
How am I different?
I am growing to see the value of my cave. It gives me both perspective on the world, and perspective on myself. Things come out of the shadows I would not have seen, if surrounded by people or hustle and bustle.
What pleasures can I find out there that I cannot find in here? And what pleasures are out there which cannot be magnified many times over when I have first cultivated that skill of creation?
Remembering
In the morning I place a pinch of black tea in an ornamental iron Japanese teapot with some water, and pour it into one of those lovely iron outside/ceramic inside cups until it overflows–which I have placed on an altar of sorts I hung on my wall–while trying to feel gratitude for what I have, for the chance at another day. On the edge of the shelf I have a label which reads “Make each day your masterpiece”, which was a piece of advice John Wooden’s father gave me. [I wonder, actually: was John Wooden the most successful of the sons, or merely the most famous? Who changed the most lives for the better? He had, if memory serves, 6 brothers, all of whom became teachers.]
In the evening, I empty it, then write in my journal about some success, some feeling of pleasure, and/or some things for which I am truly grateful. I also try and vacuum my carpet, and make sure my kitchen is clean–dishes done, floor swept and as needed mopped. It’s so much more pleasurable waking up to an organized space even if, after a long and tiring day, doing that work seems incomprehensible.
These are small, small things. But they are telling. Did I, or did I not do them yesterday? Did I get drunk, for example, and let it all go? Did I get busy and have so much shit in my kitchen I said fuck it and left it all for some other day? Is my floor so cluttered it is impossible to vacuum? Etc.
For some of you, such a situation is incomprehensible. For many of us, though, they are very, very comprehensible. Particular men, and particularly men who live alone, if I might make so bold as to state what is generally obvious to both sexes?
Small things matter. This is really the core lesson of “Mindfulness”, which I have actually come to dislike as an overused, much abused word. It is like “compassion”. I just see it too much, so much that it has become a cliche denuded of meaning, like “racist”.
The question is this, though: are you awake, or are you sleeping? Are you present to the simple things, the simple truths, the simple pleasures which everywhere present themselves in the field of your life? Are you sipping life, tasting it as it presents itself?
This routine is a simple measuring tool, a simple metric. And do I feel resentment at these small impositions? Do I resent that part of me which is trying to help? How self indulgent am I? How childish? What barriers exist within me to more generalized pleasure and well being?
Visions
My life has been a peculiar one. I literally think that, the moment after I drew my first breath, and was handed over to my mother, we didn’t like each other. I never had a mother, emotionally, and on her own account she hit me hundreds of times from age one to 4, until my father, one of the least emotionally sensitive human beings I have ever met, put an end to it since even he could tell it did nothing but terrify me.
So I am left wondering, as an adult, how it is that I came to even approximate sanity. Perhaps I don’t. This is always a possibility. But I don’t think that is the case. I think my reality testing, because of long term, very dedicated effort, is better than that of most, not least because I do not retreat when confronted with the prospect of hearing something I don’t want to hear.
Last night I had perhaps the strangest set of dreams I have ever had, and that is saying something. I was told by some voice that all of us live 9 lives simultaneously, and I was shown 3 of mine. I dreamed I was one thing, then woke up, then dreamed something else, then woke, then did it a third time, with all of the wakings being in my room, but in a dream state.
Waking now–at least to the extent of typing on this keyboard, now, although of course I cannot say this is reality either–I wonder how any person could possibly process intellectually 9 lives. Answer: you couldn’t. You can’t.
But I think of the Buddhist teacher–Padmasambhava perhaps, or Longchenpa–who taught of the Four Great, the four feelings which are and can be made to feel infinite: Joy, Love, Compassion, and Peace/Tranquility. If I could infuse all those lives with those feelings, then there is a unity of sorts.
What if the Great Awakening of the Buddha consisted in realizing a truth like this, and successfully implanting these feelings in all his lives? What if Nirvana is an “extinction” of this separateness? How could he teach this, other than as he did? Not ONE Samsara but 9?
And what if evil is the result of trying to be good in one life, and thereby manifesting evil as a shadow in another? What if every evil person in this world is trying to be “good” in some other world, by carefully following rules, by not working on the Sabbath, by keeping fish and meat separate, and by keeping all the holidays scrupulously holy, and through all of this sequestering and separating some part of themselves emotionally, which itself then becomes dark and unholy?
I won’t lie: that whole thing was a bit of a mindfuck.
And here is an idea: what if the conscious “You” can only inhabit one at a time, but can, as it can and chooses, sequentially occupy all of them? Free will I have spoken of as “non-statistical coherence”, the extent to which a consciousness changes the behavior of a human system in ways which would not be expected by chance, not expected based on the sum total of biological inheritance and social conditioning. Maybe 8 of your 9 lives are fully statistical. Maybe they are like the Non-Player Characters which have worked so effectively recently to trigger Leftists. Maybe sometimes NPC’s grow to occupy entire worlds, when all the people who do not know how to alternate choose to stay in one place together, which we call heaven.
Lao Tzu said that it was impossible to improve the world. Within this vision, that may well be true.
Now, I am of course strongly dissociated, so another reading on all this entirely is of course possible. Reintegrating what I have lost emotionally is a present task of mine, and that is also unquestionably present. And much of this can be seen symbolized in the above. I was experimenting last night, when I started to shake, by saying “This is life”. “This is LIFE”. Which it is. The joy is on the other side of the terror. I can feel it. I can sense it, like a dog senses food.
But as I say from time to time, multiple truths can and usually do come simultaneously down the same pathways.
As to how I feel, I think I feel calmer than usual. My task right now is to feel like life is worth living. It has always been a struggle for me; if my sense is correct, since at least the first breath I took in this world. But I feel I am on the cusp of getting this done. That will be good.
Ford
No criminal charges will be filed in Maryland.
No interview of the men who came forward claiming to be the actual perpetrators will be done.
Now, Brett Kavanaugh was subjected to 6 FBI background checks (as I recall the math, although I am open to correction) prior to entering the confirmation hearings. At each level of promotion, he was investigated again, for anything which might be recently or currently compromising. Judges, self evidently, need to be the sorts of people it is difficult or impossible to blackmail, and their finances need to be in order, to make bribery less tempting. The 7th investigation was political and, beginning and ending with the words of someone who hates Trump and conservatives generally, was really quite impossible.
Logically, though, IF it would have made sense to open up a more thorough investigation by the FBI, it also would imply that there would have been enough evidence to open up a criminal investigation. If, on the other hand–as seems likely–there was NOT enough evidence, then an FBI investigation of any length would also not have turned up anything. This is as close to a necessary logical conclusion as you can get outside the realm of pure math.
The whole thing was a charade. It was liars lying. Diane Feinstein knew that Ford’s story would not withstand close scrutiny, or last longer than a week or two. That was why she sprang the whole thing on the Senate at the 11th hour. The hope was to use a media Blitzkrieg to derail Kavanaugh before the facts were out. And it well could have succeeded, if Trump were a different person, or Kavanaugh a different person.
But, again, ask yourself if you want such people making important decisions which will affect your life, and that of your children. Such dishonesty. Such naked cynicism in pursuit of purely partisan advantage. No thought of the US, of our system, of integrity, much less of love, empathy or compassion.
Confusion
In contrast, the Democrats have offered NOTHING. They have ZERO policy initiatives. They have no good ideas. Obamacare didn’t work. Medicare is already bankrupt, or heading that way, and I think most Americans understand that government control of healthcare means large scale, incorrectable inefficiences and abuses, the further erosion of choice, and putting all of our fates in the hands of bureaucrats, in exchange, in most cases, for NOTHING. We lose, on balance, most of us.
Yes, about a third of the electorate would literally vote “Literally Hitler” if that candidate had a D behind their name, but that should not be enough to carry the House. There are many sinecures in the House, like Maxine Waters seat, which reside in urban areas. But the suburbs and especially the rural areas went Trump in 2016, and he has done nothing to alienate them.
Given recent studies showing that there are about 4 million more registered voters nationally than there are eligible voters, it is hard not to think that the Democrats are again planning to commit vast fraud. They are sending voter registration forms in Texas to people they know are here illegally. They are registering people to vote in California here illegally also, some of which they claim was by mistake, in other cases “only for school board elections”, as if the people paying taxes should be equaled in their influence by those who pay no taxes at all.
Trump would be well within his rights, I think–although I can’t claim to know the law–to challenge all close elections, and to demand full transparency with respect to the voter registration rolls.
Feeling wise, emotion wise, this feels like a red tidal wave. I have been wrong. I was wrong in 2012, although I did have a dream which explained it to me. But there is nothing but raw hate driving the Democrats, and even though that works to motivate people with fascistic tendencies, I don’t think that holds true of most Americans. Not yet, at any rate.
And with respect to polling, I think I commented on this in 2016, but a case can be made for skewing the data either way. If you make it look like your party is winning, you might discourage the other from showing up. What’s the point, they are supposed to say. Conversely, if you make it look like your party is losing, you might motivate more people to show up.
Logically, the two parties might differ in this regard. My best guess is that showing Republicans low in the polls actually motivates us. We vote at significantly higher rates in bad weather, and would thus be likely to be more disciplined if it looks like we are going to lose. Democrats, in contrast, likely benefit from being high in the polls also, for the opposite reason that if they were low, nobody would show up.
So paradoxically, skewing the polls to show a Democrat lead–by, for example, oversampling known Democrats, as was plainly done in 2016–works to the favor of BOTH parties.
I continue to hope we are not so fucking insane as a nation–not yet, dear Lord, not yet–to reward the Democrats for their insanity and intransigence. For God’s sake they are rooting for a recession to “stop” Trump in whatever bad thing it is he is allegedly doing, you know, like helping the economy through policy and personal leadership. And God forbid he negotiate a peace between the two Koreas.
Again: the people who want to retake the House would, I think, LITERALLY prefer a nuclear war in Korea, with hundreds of thousands dead, including our own troops, to a major accomplishment by Trump in that region.
Why in God’s name would we reward them for this? I don’t get it. Not at all.
The stock market
So they could easily create an “October Surprise” by crashing the stock markets. It would require no more than a few phone calls. The entirety of the process could be worked out in an hour, over tea and crumpets, from which would issue 20-100 emails (or whatever actually secure means of communication they use), and the rest would follow naturally.
As I have suggested before, though, in the Trump era this would be a dangerous gambit. What ALL banks want to avoid at all costs is an honest, public, and complete analysis of our money and financial system. It is far too favorable to them to warrant scrutiny, and Trump is just the man to put ALL their dirty secrets out in Twitter posts, and public speeches, and just the man–this has been the fear of many all along, for many reasons–to upset the apple cart.
As I have shown in my treatment of our money system, the entirety of our national debt can be paid down, and our financial system reworked to generate immediate and generalized and sustainable increases in personal wealth, such that, in my opinion, questions of a spiritual nature would quickly supercede purely materialistic concerns. Just as the thirst for children is tamed by a faith that they will reach adulthood, I think the thirst for wealth will be tamed by relative stability.
Massive, massive changes are possible within our system. Extraordinary revolutions can happen within our system. The world can be made a much better place nearly instantly.
This is a very interesting time. Filled with peril, filled with promise.
But whatever you do, don’t vote for the fucking Democrats. Not this crop.
Relic of a bygone era
This thing in Central America
There are a LOT of quote-worthy lines in here, but the point I will focus on is that these hippies–and this type, of course, is very much still with us–are united by fear, not love. They use drugs to medicate their fear, not to express higher potentials. All you have to do is watch behavior, and ignore the words.
Check it out. It has aged extremely well.