Month: August 2017

I am slowly releasing my anger, and it hit me this morning that what I will miss is the feeling of power that it gave me.  It is a constant energy surge, even if it is one which is also exhausting.  It feels like it creates a barrier between me and those who would hurt me.

But I also feel that it is not a foundation for a life.  It is living in the clouds, in an undifferentiated and constantly moving space where you can never feel at home.  There is no texture, no interesting color, merely a relentless monotony.

And I felt that a stable personality must be built brick by brick, patiently, as a workman.  You can build a home, a place to feel safe, a place to live and feel comfort, but not through what destroys it.

I think the image of Jesus as a carpenter is apposite here, since what he preached was building a structure, a skeleton, upon which could be placed a roof, and beneath and within which one could live.

I was doing Neurofeedback this morning and it hit me that hate is how we protect ourselves from love.  You hate people you are tempted to love, but who, for whatever reason, you have to push away.  It is a tool for self protection.

We cannot choose our passions.  We can merely redirect them.

Many years ago I had a dream where I was attacked by a madman, who escaped into this endless series of stairs, going in all directions, including up and down.  I got lost quickly.

I was thinking about this tonight. Often life is confusing, and it can feel like it is closing in on us, while simultaneously bewildering us.  Me.  I statement.

There were several elements in my meditation.  I am working downtown in the Big City, and had to park on the top floor of a parking garage.  When I arrived, a squirrel was there, somehow.  He looked hungry.  I wondered about his prospects, but figured garbage at least would keep him alive for a while.

When I left, there was a fat beetle next to my car.  It looked near dead.  I figured it perhaps got caught in an updraft, then lost the ability to fly through hunger.  It is likely dead by now.

I will offer one other element.  My tendency towards Buddhist beliefs notwithstanding, I continue to choose to eat meat.  And it hit me one day that this is an ideal time and method for meditating on death.  I can ponder the life and last moments of the turkey, or the cow, or the chicken.  They did not want to die.  They felt fear.

And I do not want to die.  I feel fear.  But I think we have to practice dying to really focus on living.

And then I thought about this obsessive quality people get when they meditate too much on death, and on the need to “live”.  They have to climb every mountain, consume every experience.  This confuses me.  You can’t do everything, and it all ends in death anyway.  The most clever fellow, the most adventurous, lucky, intrepid man or woman who ever lived, is dead or one day will be.

All of us to some extent are like the beetle, or the squirrel.  We make decisions, and sometimes they are the wrong ones.  It may be that I make a mistake some day that kills me.  This is not what I want, but much of life is beyond our control.  We do our best, but sometimes we are still wrong.  Perhaps we are momentarily or temperamentally stupid.  Perhaps we are unlucky.

Do we go left, or do we go right?

So, returning to my dream, it hit me tonight that EXPANSION is always the correct direction.  The madness and the constriction and the confusion are all of a piece.

This is a fundamental Kum Nye tenet, that when our energy is flowing properly, an innate wisdom and an innate pleasure in life emerge spontaneously.  They are our natural gifts, but we have forgotten them.

So I think I don’t want to climb every mountain. I  don’t want to consume life.  I want to learn how to watch trees swaying in the wind with greater and greater pleasure.  I want to be more and more fascinated by the quality of light in the day, and the moon at night.

I am that squirrel.  I am that beetle.  I am the meat I ate today.  They lived for a time, and then they died.

This is really the balancing act of life: remembering impermanence, but relishing every moment.

And I’m going to make another point I had intended for another post. I  just worked a really long day, but a flood of ideas just hit me that I’m going to post while I wait for the wine and melatonin to take effect.

Every time you hit an emotion you can’t process, you separate.  I feel this.  I am slowly reversing the process, by reinhabiting the emotional places I was driven from so many years ago.  It literally just hit me today some of the ways I am EXACTLY like my father.  It is so obvious, now.  I feel it.

And to take that specific case, I find I have a penchant for cruelty.  I really feel this.  This is what I am feeding when I go out and find people to argue with.  It’s a step up from barfighting, or finding a masochistic woman to abuse, but this is the reason I can understand Sade (up to a point, I think).

Yesterday, I was feeling tired and frustrated for several reasons, so I went to an old go-to: I got in a Global Warming “debate” with someone I knew had no ability, much less interest, in listening to what I had to say.

Now, my ideas in my view are solid, but this need to argue is directly related to a primary means by which I deflect negative emotions which would otherwise bedevil me.

Specifically, I BECOME SOMEONE ELSE when I go into arguing mode, one not connected spontaneously and on an on-going basis with my emotional energy.  I separate into two.

And I feel this happens to all of us on many levels.  The process of self deception is so well developed in all of us that we fail to see it.

I was watching this woman walk along a long, busy road this morning, who was nowhere near anything.  She wasn’t going to a bus station, so she must have been walking to work, or somewhere.   She had a bag.

Now, I have been, roughly, this person.  And what do you do?  You rationalize the situation.  You say “It isn’t so bad”.  You say you like walking.  It’s a nice morning.  Etc.

What you do is you become someone other than the psychologically normal person who would object to this situation.  This is what women (and let’s be honest, no small number of men) who are in bad relationships do.  This is what all people who are confused do.

So, returning to Buddhism as I tend to do, when the Buddha says “No Self”, what he likely meant was “Who you really are, you have never met.”  and “who you think you are, is the result of a long series of lies you had to tell yourself at one time.”

How many of us can honestly say we can stay deeply connected to our inner world on an on-going basis?  We react habitually and call it honest.  We find an emotion of some sort, and call it profound.  But what is behind all this?  What is left when nothing we know is left?  Who is in the Void with you, and who are you in the Void?

I don’t know why, but this last question made me laugh.  I don’t understand myself, but I am sure as hell trying.  If living well is expanding, and the key to expanding is self knowledge, then I am doing my best to live well.

It occurs to me that the creed of Egalitarianism is literally and figuratively that of “getting even”.

It is a creed of revenge, based on putative wrongs.  It exists as a system to manufacture those wrongs out of the fertile nature of human life, in which no two people are ever born alike.

Self evidently, all one needs to manufacture anger, rage, and following self righteousness, is to stipulate that the world should be other than it is, and to demand that it meet your expectations immediately and fully.  It is a sure fire and short route to the FEELING of empowerment, and moral superiority, and an a priori rationalization of any crimes one is anticipating committing.

To commit evil directly, all one need do is fault God for his creation, and then abolish Him through atheism, as Sade did. Alternatively, one can simply assert that God is the Devil, and the Devil represents the work of this world.

All of this is related.

And in my own life, I feel this energy.  I have been objectively wronged this week by several people.  But it is a measure of my progress that I am getting better and better at just letting things drop. Yes, sometimes we all need to fight.  Yes, sometimes we all need to express rage and anger.

But none of this is healthy long term.  It is a coffin, a prison, a darkening.

What would it take, for any of us, to make of disciplined work an expression of joy?

I am trying very hard now to understand time, and how I am supposed to relate to it.  I may have more to say (the bet that I will have more to say is always a good bet), but who knows.  I will leave that question there.

If Trump has to be treated to reading the contents of private telephone calls made from the Oval Office in a local newspaper, how on Earth can he deal with things like North Korea, where secrecy might literally make the difference between success and failure, between the death of millions, and peace?

I literally, from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, do not get the arrogance and moral detachment necessary to be someone like Jeff Bezos.  I don’t know what he endured in childhood, I don’t know if he was an only, a lonely, or an adopted child, but he is sick in the head, and he has a lot of company.

I dream of better human beings.  He dreams of better machines.  That is the difference.  Any improvement that comes from the outside, is no improvement at all.  It is an intrusion.

And as I ponder this, there really is a functional analogy between using machines to “improve” human consciousness, and using government to “improve” human society.  Both are extrinsic to basic consciousness, and both must be understood in terms of force.  Life does not own the death of a machine. The death of the machine owns life.  I see no other possibility.

Put another way, spiritualists point out the obvious fact that our bodies are in some respects machines, but they are machines within which consciousness manifests.  Improving the machine does nothing to improve the quality of the perceptions that matter.  It does not matter how fast you can solve a differential equation, spiritually.  What matters is your capacity to love and to expand.  There is nothing any of these tech midgets are producing which will enable us to do that directly.

As I have said, I am not a technophobe, but to the extent I embrace things like Neurofeedback, it is because we are collectively batshit insane, and this is a needed tool in helping to reconstitute basic humanity, which is increasingly rare.

https://www.infowars.com/report-fbi-homeland-tracked-news-stories-critical-of-hillary-on-election-day/

If Elliot Ness was untouchable, James Comey seems to have needed regular caresses.

Fuck these people.  Fuck these self important, self righteous, morally hideous assholes.

His “reputation”–and keep in mind, the vast bulk of America’s 350 million people–or whatever it is–have no personal knowledge of the man at all, so this is quite possibly itself manufactured for public consumption–notwithstanding–Robert Mueller’s willingness to take on a case intimately connected to the firing of a good friend, when the Attorney General himself recused himself on much flimsier and less weighty grounds, indicates he is not a stand up guy.  This applies even in the highly unlikely event that he is doing substantive things, like verify that Seth Rich really was the leaker, which the FBI, I read, has known since roughly May of last year.

In turn, James Comey, in addition to all the partisan bullshit he did (today’s headline: https://www.infowars.com/foia-dump-reveals-collusion-between-lynch-fbi-and-media-to-bury-clinton-meeting/  ) should have dropped the “Russian interference” investigation as soon as he knew that Russia did not hack John Podesta, as that is the only credible claim that was ever even made.  The rest was a series of scandalous allegations that would have fit for the Weekly World News, but not even the National Enquirer.  This, by the guys in well tailored suits, with tough faces, who inherited the work of deserving to be worthy of being thought of as Untouchable.

So, we really have to ask: how corrupt IS the FBI?  So I look up Robert Mueller, and lo and behold, he was sworn in on September 4, 2001, exactly one week before 9/11.

As I have pointed out often–I really don’t think I need to use the word “argued”, since there really can be no discussion among those familiar with the evidence, in my considered opinion–the September 11 attacks involved a much larger conspiracy than just the hijackers and Osama Bin Laden.  First and foremost, the FBI would have been responsible for discovering and revealing this.  They failed spectacularly.  To note perhaps the most spectacular failure, no test was ever done for explosive residue, despite the utterly unprecedented nature of ONE, much less THREE, skyscrapers falling at freefall velocity into their own footprint.

But there are many, many examples of near certain cover-ups, as I have pointed out from time to time.

For example, the explosion of Flight 800 over Long Island: http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/obama-pilot-twa-flight-800-shot-article-1.2186329

The death of JFK, Jr.  I can’t take the time to find a good link, but there exists a good documentary out there which points out that the weather was not bad, and that numerous witnesses reported hearing an explosion, and seeing a fireball, and that, as with the Flight 800 explosion, the FBI quickly took control of the investigation, then pushed out some bullshit after a suitable amount of time.

The Oklahoma City bombing.  All the video footage disappeared.  Bomb damage experts claim that a surface explosion could not have caused that damage.  Here is a link to a former Air Force General Ben Partin: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCYIn8QzRjI

I have posted on him from time to time.  As he notes, he knew within a couple hours somebody was lying.  His professional specialty was both measuring and predicting bomb damage.  That was his job in the Air Force, so literally no one could be better qualified to call bullshit than this guy.

And the FBI, in the course of the investigation, seems to have tortured a man to death.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Michael_Trentadue

This is a short list.  I need to get to work.

But we have to contemplate seriously the notion that this agency is TRULY corrupt.  That they are not just playing partisan politics, not just protecting political allies, but that they are complicit at high levels, and have been for at least 3 decades or so, in covering up political murders, and staged or accidental (which is a possibility in Oklahoma City) mass events which had major political consequences.

Trump needs to take this idea seriously.  He needs to develop a plan to investigate the FBI itself, what it knows, what it is covering up, how a culture of contempt for the law has been allowed to evolve and flourish, and most of all he needs to figure out how to root out the corruption.

What Trump has on his hands is massive.  If he were an average person, I would say it is overwhelming.  But he has shown time and again an agility, a tenacity, and a will to win which could quite possibly carry him to the important victories we need in protecting the American people–and the world, because as goes America, so goes the world–from our own government.

Ponder the immensity of the possibility that both the CIA and FBI have become de facto agents of the Globalists.  If Trump were not in office, I would despair, but I take hope both in the fact that he is, and that the American people, in sufficient numbers, were awake enough to put him there.  Both are good signs.

I think morality in the face of difficulty is an act of beauty.  I think doing the right thing, when it is hard, is an act of beauty.  It is painting something memorable, something moving, something mythic, on the canvas of your life.

And even cultivating beauty when it is easy is worthwhile.  We are all wild animals.  All we have to do to become angels is remember this, and remember at the same time that we are human beings.  The collision does the rest.

If I’m honest, I really have no idea what the list of realistic options looks like for Trump.  I will simply comment that it is absolutely beyond question that, had we not put him in office, we NEVER would have been able to see so CLEARLY the corruption in Washington, the back stabbing, the treachery, the disloyalty to the American PEOPLE, to our laws, to our history, to our future and that of our children.  It is on both sides of the aisle, extends deep into all our agencies, and is well funded and supported by elites completely indifferent to what is good for America.

Early on, very early on, I cited Lincoln’s comment on Grant: “HE FIGHTS”.  This is what Trump does.  He actually seems to like it, up to a point.  As a strategist myself, in my own life, I have OFTEN been guilty of impatience, likely most of the time, even now.  It is not a conspicuous virtue of mine, to put it charitably.

But I want to say publicly that I remain very bullish on Trump, continue to believe whole heartedly that he wants what is best for America as he sees it, that this cannot be said of most of Congress, or most of our massive Federal bureaucracy, and that our best hope of avoiding the de facto takeover of our nation by shadow elites armed with technology which was overwhelming fifteen years, and of a presumably exponentially more powerful character now, is for him to continue castrating and sending out to pasture all the thousands of people who mean him, and the American way of life, ill.

Being President is no small thing.  The intent of his enemies is to shrink him into a small defensive perimeter, but who wants to hide in a bunker?  He has many, many tools at his disposal.

For my part, I wonder if firing Rod Rosenstein for failing to fire Mueller for his patent conflict of interest might be a start.  I wonder if entire divisions of the Justice Department can be terminated.

There has never been any evidence the President broke any laws, yet a long term investigation has been launched.  That should concern anyone HONESTLY concerned with our Republic, its laws, its principles, and its traditions greatly.. The patently politicization of the intelligence agencies, itself, should warrant an FBI or other investigation.  They are not allowed to operate on US soil.  Who prosecutes them if they do?  This is a very relevant question, because they did, and likely continue to do so.

This whole thing is unbelievable.  It is as bad or worse than any of us imagined.  The extent of the moral deviancy is astonishing.  Seemingly no one wants to do their job honestly any more.

For his part, Mueller has sealed his fate as a partisan hack, in my eyes, unless he turns an utterly unexpected corner.  What I expect is that he will begin to subpoena Trump’s financial records, and dare him to pick him off.  He is playing a game of chicken, self evidently, and appointing the Grand Jury is designed to make it harder to fire him.

What I would note is that no matter WHAT Trump does, there will be an ocean of outrage.  At some times, you have to take large risks.  He knows this better than anyone.  A very large number of us can see exactly what is happening.