I’ve read up on the Illuminati, looked at the evidence that Aleister Crowley may have been Barbara Bush’s father, learned what I could about satanic pedophile cults, been freaked out by Eyes Wide Shut, read a book or two on Jack the Ripper, etc.
It’s a long list, because it has been a long term habit. It’s not something I do every day. It’s a phase that usually lasts a few days, and happens perhaps twice a year, although since the Obama years it has been happening more. It is still stunning to me both that he was elected, and that he pulled his charade off.
Now, I do think human beings are secret keeping creatures, and I do think there is an ocean of things the Federal government does not tell us about. Given that they are using handheld surveillance drones the size of toy cars in promotional videos for the Army, where do you think the cutting edge is currently? Likely we don’t want to know. We would be happy to see super advanced technology used on our enemies, but once it exists, it can be used on anyone, and I count myself among the tens, perhaps hundreds, of millions of Americans who do not trust large segments of our government.
Having said all that, I wanted to comment on the FEELING of conspiracy. It is a feeling that there is something hidden, something dangerous, and something important. You don’t know what is is, or how to find it. It is just a sense, what we call paranoia.
This word, apparently, comes from the Greek word for madness, and translates literally as by or beside one’s mind. Out of one’s mind would be close to literal.
It seems to me there is a close overlay between this notion, this feeling, and unremembered primal trauma. In my own case, clearly something highly traumatizing happened to me, likely repeatedly, when I was very young. I think it was as simple as my mother screaming at me when I was crying too much, leaving me both in strong physical discomfort, and terrified of my primary care-giver. That would pack quite a punch, and if you think about the process of parenting, how tiring it is, my intuitive sense is that my rough problems are really very common, and misdiagnosed often in the many, many offshoots possible, which include anger issues, depression, and anxiety.
So I think that when I have turned, historically, to liminal topics, it has been this unspoken part of me reaching out for recognition. This does not mean in the slightest that there are no conspiracies–MIT Ph.D in what amounted to Rocket Science and astronaut Edgar Mitchell has publicly alleged a conspiracy with regard to UFO’s as one obvious example–but I do think my own history has tended to point me, and people like me, in that direction.
When one has no cuts in one’s soul, it is easy to be complacent, and to assume all is well, because you are told all is well, and you have no reason to distrust those in power. Those who have been cut know all too well what secrets can be hidden, and what human beings are REALLY capable of. It is an ugly, ugly sight, and even in a lifetime spent living well, and pursuing goodness, I don’t think any life is truly complete without recognizing and seeing the evil all of us are capable of.